The Guide

Dear Friends and Family,

I thought Morris probably wouldn't mind if I wrote a letter to you today instead of to him. It is hard to believe that this much time has passed, but today marks one month since we said goodbye to our sweet angel.

A friend recently said to me that there should be a guide that tells you what to do when your friends go through a terrible loss like the one Ryan and I are going through. She didn't mean an article or a book on grief, although those might give you some generic insight on how people deal with grief and some "dos and don'ts" based on the author's personal experience. My friend meant that it would be nice to have a guide that told you how the particular person you love was feeling about their loss and what they wished that you would do or say.

I've been thinking a lot about what she said.  As more and more time passes, Ryan and I will start to venture out of the house more often than we have in the past few weeks. If you live in the valley, chances are that we'll probably run into one another at some point. The first time we see each other might be hard for both of us. You'll probably be wondering if you should approach us. If you decide to, you'll be wondering if you should acknowledge our loss. If it is okay to give us a hug. If you can say Morris' name.  If you should mention how you've been feeling. I hope you don't find this presumptuous or offensive, but I thought it might be helpful if I answered a few of these questions.

If you see us out somewhere and you want to say hello, please do. We want to see you. And when you say hello, it is okay to acknowledge our loss. We know that you worry about upsetting us, that you worry bringing up our son when we appear to be doing okay might remind us of the sadness. But I promise you that your words won't be the first thing on any given day to remind us that we've suffered this unimaginable loss. We wake up every morning with the realization that we've had to say goodbye to our precious son. I don't say this to make you feel sorry for us or to make you feel sad; I say it because it is true. I say it because I want you to know that if a tear rolls down my check when you give me a hug and tell me how sorry you are about Morris, it is not because you have "reminded" me of him. It is because I love him and miss him. It is because I know that you are hurting for us.  That tear may even be a happy tear because you have been the first person that has said his name aloud to me all day. You can ask us about him or talk about him if you want; it means so much to know that others are thinking about and missing our sweet Morris. But if you don't have the words, that's okay too. We know better than anyone that sometimes there are just no words.

There may be a day when you see me out somewhere and start to make your way towards me only to see me head in another direction. You will probably wonder if I purposely looked the other way when you caught my eye or if I picked up my pace and ducked into the next aisle to avoid running into you. And honestly, the truth might be yes. It isn't because I'm angry at you or upset with you; it doesn't have anything to do with you. I'm just having one of those days. One of those days when I'm trying so hard to keep it together while trying to remember if we need toilet paper or if we are out of milk. One of those days when I'm worried that a simple hello from someone I know might make me lose it right there in the dairy aisle of the grocery store.  So please don't take it personally or hold it against me if you see me out somewhere and I don't stop to talk. Be patient with me. Send me a text or a message later and let me know that you saw me out and didn't want to intrude, but that you want me to know that you are thinking of me. That will mean the world to me.

You have been so supportive over the past several weeks, and we are grateful for everything. This isn't the path that we would have chosen for ourselves, but it is the path that we are on now. We are trying to navigate it the best way we can. We appreciate your continued understanding, prayers, and love as we figure it out.

Keri