Morris,
I hardly ever find time to write anymore. That's probably because I rarely have a
moment to myself anymore, and when I do, I usually take advantage of it by
going to bed early. This morning, as the
rest of the house was still sleeping, I made myself a cup of coffee and I got
an urge to write you.
I miss you. Lately
that feeling has overwhelmed me more times and in more places than I can
count. The grocery store. The car as I'm
driving somewhere. The doctor's office. The football game. Our home. So many
moments in the last few weeks when I've suddenly found myself thinking of you
and hit with a familiar sting of unshed tears. No "triggers" seem to
prelude these moments, like a sad song or memory, just me being in normal,
everyday places where you should be but aren't.
Your brother and sister are getting so big. Someone asked us
the other day how old they were and I replied, "They just turned a
year," at the same time that Daddy replied, "Almost 13
months." I gave him a funny look
and was about to correct him when he reminded me that they will be 13 months in
just a few days. It's crazy how fast
time flies.
I had a horrible dream the night before last. Daddy and I had gone somewhere, and when we
went to pick up your brother and sister from wherever they were, Baylor wasn't
there. I immediately knew somehow that
someone bad had her and I was crying, panicked, and distraught. I was begging
others in the dream to help me find her, but they kept telling me that she
would be okay and whoever had her would bring her back. I woke up from the dream before I could find
her, and I was physically sick to my stomach and upset. I looked at the monitor and Baylor was
peacefully sleeping, but I went into the nursery anyway and brought her and
Griffin to our bed. I loved and kissed on them all morning. I am still sick thinking about the evils that
exist in this world, and I will continue to pray that our family is never
touched by them and pray for the families that sadly have been.
I think this dream is just a symptom of the heightened
anxiety that I've felt lately. There is
so much sadness and scariness in the world right now. I try to avoid the news to save myself
additional worry and anxiety. I remind myself that God is in control no matter
what happens and that He has a plan. If I'm honest, there days when neither of
those tactics work. It's an ever present battle for me. Bringing two more innocent children into the
world only gave me more to worry about, but I know they are worth it so I will
continue to find ways to push through.
Our family had a new baby born into it a few weeks ago, and
like I've done a few times, I went to the hospital to visit. It's always difficult for me to walk back
into the hospital where we said goodbye to you, but it's also healing to see
new life there. As I was leaving, right before walking out the entrance door, I
had a sudden urge to turn down the hallway and go to the room where I last held
you. When we delivered you, they gave us
a room on a side of the ward that didn't seem to be used as often as it was
farther away from rooms where other moms where delivering. One of the distinct memories I have from that
morning is walking past the nursery windows with the blinds pulled tightly shut
(presumably so we weren't in a position to see any new babies) to our delivery
room. On the occasions we've been at the
hospital since your birth, I've often had this urge to go to our delivery
room. This time was the first time that
I actually tried to push through the big double doors that lead that way. They were locked of course. I thought about asking the nurses if the room
was in use, but as the tears began to build, I quickly exited to my car where I
had a good cry. Maybe one day I'll step
foot in that room again - not for closure, but to for the chance to feel as
close to you for a few moments as I did the last time I held you.
Love,
Mommy
