Someone told me the other day that I was an overachiever even in grief. We laughed about it, but afterwards I realized that the statement had some truth to it. I keep looking for some confirmation that I am doing this grief thing the right way, for some reassurance that I am handling things better than those around me expect. I keep pushing myself to be ready to do certain things and to get back to "normal" as fast as possible.
But nothing about losing you is normal. People tell me that things will never be normal again, that I will find a new normal as time goes by. I know that that they are right, although I've come to the realization that as I go through different stages of grief, I'll probably go through lots of new normal's. Right now my new normal is sitting in the rocking chair in your nursery starring at your empty crib. It is taking multiple showers a day just because I find the warm water running over me comforting, and it is sleeping with the blanket that we wrapped you in after you were born. It is looking for small trinkets, like things with "M" on them or angel figurines or anything that reminds me of you, hoping that one day I'll find something that somehow fills this void I feel. That is what my new normal looks like today. I don't know what it will look like tomorrow, next week, next month or next year.
So many people have told me that they find our story inspirational and that they are amazed by my faith. I am flattered by the compliments, but in all honesty, my faith wasn't nearly as strong before this happened. You changed me. I looked at you on the day you were born, and I just knew that you had inherited only the very best parts of your daddy and I. To me, you represent everything that is good and pure and beautiful in this world, and I have to believe that if God took you, it is because there is some magnificent purpose that can only be fulfilled with you in heaven. Maybe that is faith, but it is also my selfish desire as your mother. I want for you to be known and for your life to have a great purpose.
Despite my selfishness, God continues to bless me. He has allowed people to share with me how much you mean to them, how much your short life has changed theirs, and how feel fortunate they feel to be connected to you in some way. My heart bursts with pride every time I hear someone say your name. I am so incredibly humbled and honored to be your mother. And no matter how much time passes or what stage of grief I'm in, I want you to know that those feelings will always be part of my new normal.
Love,
Mommy
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