The Journey of Grief

Hello Darling,

We are in the final two weeks of Operation Over the Rainbow. This project has been such a huge blessing for Daddy and I, and we have been overwhelmed by the support it has received. I had hoped to have 10 completed Journey Bags, and we already have 20 full bags before collecting or packing items from our donation sites. It just goes to prove that God's plans are always bigger than our own. "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." Proverbs 16:3

We've found such meaning in Operation Over the Rainbow.  For me, this project has been about finding hope in a difficult situation. For others, it's been a way to express gratitude and pay forward the good in their own lives.  Grami told me last night that through Operation Over the Rainbow, she has found symbolism of her own journey this past year.  Much like she imagines children feel about entering foster care, Grami found herself on a journey that she did not want to take this year. This journey of grief has been a difficult and life-changing journey, but through the kindness and compassion of friends, family, and strangers, Grami has managed to keep moving.  She put together two Journey Bags with this in mind.

I couldn't help but peek into many of the Journey Bags we've received so far. I've been blessed by seeing the generosity and creativity of those who have donated to this project. I know that physical items like pajamas and shampoo aren't going to magically take away a child's hurt and fear, but I believe that receiving one of these journey bags will make a difference in a child's life. The content of each bag has been so thoughtfully and uniquely chosen, and it is obvious the love and compassion that went into each and every one.  On our Celebration & Packing Day, we will add a personal note of encouragement and pray over each bag.  I have no doubt that God can do immeasurable good through these contributions. "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is work within us, to Him be the glory." Ephesians 3:20-21

One thing I've learned in this past year is just how polarizing grief can be. I remember wishing that time would pass quickly in the early weeks after your death, wanting so desperately to be free from the severe heaviness and burden grief laid on us in those days.  But as time has passed, the heaviness of that initial grief has turned to a fear that as time passes, the memories I have of you will slip further away. The things we do in your honor, like Operation Over the Rainbow, help to ease that fear because they give us new ways to remember you and ensure you aren't forgotten.

Soon your still birthday will be here. Daddy and I plan to celebrate with close friends and family. There are 364 days a year that seem to revolve around your absence; February 3rd is the one day a year that I want to be completely focused on celebrating your short life.  You are forever loved and missed.

Love,

Mommy

A photo of Mommy & Daddy taken in honor and memory of your upcoming still birthday.

A Person's a Person, No Matter How Small

Sweet Angel,

I woke up early this morning. I laid in bed for a little while, but I couldn't get back to sleep. I got up, made a cup of coffee, and got online.

A year ago, we were busy preparing for your arrival. Last week, I was greeted by Facebook with memories that included photos from the baby shower thrown for us by your daddy's side of the family. This morning, I was greeted with photos from the baby shower Aunt Becca, Grami  and some friends threw us one year ago today. You can't imagine how grateful I am to have had the opportunity to celebrate your life with our friends and family before you were so tragically ripped away.

As hard as it is sometimes to remember how happy we were on those days and to recall all the dreams we had for you as we opened gifts and excitedly talked about names and nurseries, I can't imagine how sad I would be if we hadn't been able to share those moments with our friends and family. A few years ago, a friend of mine miscarried before she was able to share the news of her pregnancy with her close friends. I'll never forget the email she sent to me and a few others afterwards to share the sad news and to let us know that next time she would be sharing the good news immediately. I don't know if I really understood her desire then, but I understand it so well now. Life, no matter how brief, deserves to be recognized and celebrated.

One of the photos that showed up in my Facebook memories today was of one of the decorated tables from my book-themed baby shower.  I cried when I saw it:

This table seems to almost be foreshadowing events to come - an elephant in the center of the table sits next to the quote, "A person's a person, no matter how small."  Just a little over three weeks from my shower, you were born still at 36 weeks gestation. You were a perfectly-formed person, with the tiniest nose, mouth, fingers and toes. A small stuffed elephant, the last baby gift we received before you were born, became our symbol for you in the coming weeks.  

The quote comes from the book "Horton Hears a Who."  In the book, Horton the Elephant hears a small speck of dust talking to him while splashing in a pool. He surmises that a small person lives on the speck, so he places it on a clover and vows to protect it. He later discovers that a whole community called Whoville lives on the speck. The Mayor of Whoville asks Horton to protect them from harm, and Horton happily takes on the duty, proclaiming throughout the book, "A person's a person, no matter how small."

In his mission to protect the speck, Horton is ridiculed by the other animals in the jungle for believing in and trying to protect something that they can't see or hear.  As he continues his efforts to protect the speck, others ridicule his odd behaviors, and they even steal the speck from him at one point in the story. When Horton finds it, he implores the Whos living on the speck to make as much noise as possible. Finally, one tiny shirker named JoJo lets out a loud, "Yopp!" which allows the other jungle animals to hear the Whos. Convinced of the Whos' existence, the jungle animals vow to help Horton protect Whoville.

There is a quote about grieving mothers that says, "A mother instinctively protects her child. A grieving mother instinctively protects her child's memory."  I know that in trying to protect your memory, my actions might seem odd to some people. There are those who probably don't understand why I take photos with a stuffed animal, why I write letters to a child that isn't here, and why I would want to celebrate your still birthday with a party. I used to be someone who cared about what those people thought, and the truth is, sometimes I still am.  But like many bereaved mothers, I know firsthand that "a person's a person, no matter how small," and so I will honor and remember you in whatever way makes me feel like your mother. I am blessed to have a whole community of family and friends who understand me, support me, and do what they can to help me protect your memory.

We've been collecting items to fill Journey Bags for children in foster care in honor of your upcoming still birthday. Daddy and I have been overwhelmed by the amazing support of this project, which we've named Operation Over the Rainbow.  You may have been born small and still, but you have had a big and moving impact on us.

Love,

Mommy

Over the Rainbow

Dear Friends and Family,

Eleven months ago today, Ryan and I learned that our sweet baby had left us.  Our lives were shattered on that day. I remember everything that happened that morning, right up until the moment when the ultrasound technician looked at me with sad, sad eyes and uttered the words, "Keri, I'm so sorry, but I have to tell you some difficult news..." Walking out of that ultrasound room and down the hall felt like an out of body experience. I remember coming home and laying on the floor of the nursery with Ryan, where we held each other and sobbed for at least an hour. The rest of the day is a blur.

Today's date means that in one month and one day, we will celebrate Morris' one year still birthday.  I say "celebrate" because that's what I promised Morris we would do on the morning we said goodbye. As I rocked him, I kissed his head and stroked his check. I promised him that every year on February 3rd, we would try our hardest to make it happiest day possible, just as we did the day we delivered him.

Ryan and I have been thinking for a while about what special thing we could do in Morris' honor for his still birthday. A while back, I learned about an organization here in our community called Foster Love Ministries. Their mission is to bring hope, love and joy to our local foster care community by partnering with churches, community members, and folks like you and me.  I spent several years serving as a volunteer for CASA for Kids advocating for children in foster care system so the mission of this organization really touched me. 

One of the outreach projects that Foster Love Ministries helps coordinate is collecting items for "journey bags" that can be given to children who are entering foster care. Children often come into foster care with nothing but the clothes on their back. Journey bags are backpacks filled with personal and comfort items that these children can call their own when they are abruptly taken out of their homes. The goal of a journey bag is to bless these kids and let them know that they are loved, prayed for and remembered, but the journey bag can also be a blessing to the foster care family. 

A friend of mine became a foster parent a few months ago. She told me about how the few weeks old baby they received came with only the outfit she was wearing - the clothes that the social department had on hand to send were either too big or too little to fit. My friend only had two hours notice that she needed to pick up the baby, and she hadn't had any idea of the age or gender of the child she would be receiving prior to the call.  As Ryan and I choose some of Morris' things to gift to this sweet baby, it confirmed to me that collecting journey bags would be a perfect way to honor Morris on his still birthday.

I haven't shared much about the private moments we spent saying goodbye to Morris. Honestly, I've wanted to keep them to myself. But this morning in the shower, as I thought back to that day and remembered one of my favorite moments with Morris, it gave me inspiration for our journey bag project.

On the day we said goodbye to Morris, I remember singing softly to him as I rocked him.  The very last song that I sang to him that morning was my favorite lullaby, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow".  Tears streamed down my face, and my voice must have cracked a thousand times, but it seemed like the perfect way to say goodbye to my angel:

"Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue

And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Away above the chimney tops

That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why then, oh why can't I?"

Our sweet little boy is somewhere over the rainbow.  These sweet foster children, well, I hope and pray that they are on their way to finding their own rainbow.  With that in mind, I've decided to name our project of collecting journey bags, "Operation Over the Rainbow".  

We'll be collecting items for the next month to deliver to Foster Love Ministries the week of Morris' still birthday.  I'll be setting up a Facebook page with a list of the items we are collecting. If you feel led and are able, I hope you'll join us. You can donate one item, several items, or fill up an entire journey bag. I know whatever you can do will be so appreciated by the children and families who receive a bag.  I'll share on the Facebook page some ways that you can get your items to us for donation.

Thank you for your part in helping us celebrate Morris' life and his one year still birthday.  We love you all so much!

Love,

Keri