Unwavering Faith

Good Morning Darling,

Grief is exhausting. I read that somewhere recently, and it couldn't be more true. I'm so tired. I'm so sad. I'm so tired of being so sad.

We went back to church for the first time yesterday. I woke up feeling the need to be there. But as I stood there and listened to the congregation singing around me, I just felt empty. I mouthed along to most of the songs, unable to sing, my eyes filling with tears.

In his sermon, Pastor Todd spoke about the Holy Spirit, about its sheer power and strength. He asked if we could definitively say that we had felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in our lives in the past year. I know I have. The Holy Spirit was with us the day you were born, coming to us as a result of the prayers sent up by so many that day. It is the only reason that we were able to focus on the joy and beauty of your birth instead of the pain and sadness.

Maybe it was the reminder of that experience, but when the invitational song came, I finally felt like praising God. I lifted my hand in the air as the tears rolled down my face and the congregation sang, "Oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead."  In that brief moment, my heart felt full again.

I thought about it later, and I wondered how my heart could have possibly felt full when someone as important and precious to me as you is missing. It prompted me to do some searching this morning.  I came across this passage in 2 Samuel 12 (16-23):

"David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights laying on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.  

On the seventh day, the child died. David's servants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, "While the child was still living, we spoke to David but he would not listen to us. How can we tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate."  David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. "Is the child dead?", he asked. "Yes," they replied, "he is dead."   

Then David got up from the ground.  After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.  

His servants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!"

He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." 

David knew that God was the only person he could rely on and trust to make his heart complete. David had unwavering faith in God's promises, and because he knew that he would be reunited with his son again in heaven, he worshiped and ate that day. The scripture doesn't say if David ever grieved over the loss of his son again, if days later he broke down in tears or if weeks later he screamed at God for taking his child. The selfish part of me hopes that he did.  Hopes that even a man of such great faith as David had times when he greedily wished that his son was with him instead of with the Lord. The other part of me....well, it hopes that I might one day have that unwavering faith.

Love,

Mommy