Back to Work

Hello Buttercup,

I'm going back to work part-time starting tomorrow (well today by the time I finish this letter). The company I work for is an amazing company, and they would understand if I wasn't ready to return. They have shown me so much support and compassion throughout this tragedy. But I know that going back to work is like so many other firsts that I've faced since losing you...I'll never feel ready to do it.  If I can just make it through the first day though, the next day after that won't be as hard.

I've thought about returning to work often over the last week. I feel relieved to be going back to a routine. I figure that having a routine will make me feel somewhat "normal" again and will distract me from the heartache I feel. I feel happy about returning to familiar and friendly faces. I've been alone a lot over the past several weeks.  But I also feel anxious...a lot more anxious than I thought I would feel.

My best friend came over for dinner tonight and we talked about my return to work. In our conversation, it dawned on me why I feel the way I do. For the last two months, almost everything that I have done has revolved around you. I've thought about you. I've cried over you. I've sat in your nursery gazing at all the keepsakes I have to remind me of you.  I've written to you. I've talked to others about you. I've read books on grief and loss to help me cope with losing you. I've searched for ways to honor you.

You have been my full-time job.

Now that I'm returning to work, I won't have as much time to devote to these activities. Activities that I've poured myself into to ensure that your memory stays at the forefront of my life. Giving up some of the time that I've devoted to doing these things makes me feel like I am going to lose you all over again. I worry that you will begin to slip away from me even faster than you have already. That scares me so much.

It makes me wonder if it is too soon to be doing something as ordinary as going to work each day. If it is too soon to give up time that I could be spending on all these activities. But I know that no matter how much time passes, whether it is 2 months or 2 years, it will always be too soon. So instead of giving in to my fears, I push myself to keep moving forward. To keep making progress day by day. To remember that as one season ends, another begins.

I go over and over every thing I can remember about the time we were given together in my head, and I write it all down. The more I do that, the more I realize that your memory will never fade away entirely.  I won't let it.

Love,

Mommy