Good Morning Darling,
Today is the day I've been dreading since the day we left the hospital without you. It's a day that I had been looking forward to right up until the day you were gone. Today is your due date. It's a day that could have been your birthday if you hadn't left us too soon. A due date is just a guess really, but March 1st will forever be burned into my brain as the day that you could have been in my arms instead of just in my heart. I can picture the way the day would have went - the way it should have went - so clearly in my mind.
We would have happily loaded up the car with the hospital bag that we had packed full of everything needed to bring you home. Your daddy would have checked the car seat one last time to make sure it was installed correctly. When it was time, we would have nervously but excitedly made our way to the hospital. Our family and friends would have rushed to meet us when they got the call and would have eagerly awaited your arrival in the hospital waiting room.
You would have entered the world with a loud cry...a cry that would have stolen my heart instantly. The midwife would have handed you to me with a big smile on her face. I would have looked lovingly into your beautiful eyes, and you would have been staring right back at me. Your daddy and I would have spent the next hour getting to know you and finding it hard to believe that we could be so lucky. When we gave the okay, our family would have rushed into the room to meet you. They would have talked about who you looked like with their eyes full of sparkle instead of full of tears. They would have cooed happily to you as they held you and rocked you. It would have been such a perfect day.
It's not fair. Today should have been a day when your daddy and I cried tears of joy instead of tears of sorrow. It should have been a day full of celebration each year instead of a day full of painful reminders of all the moments that we'll never get to experience with you.
Morris, one thing I've feared so much since you've been gone is that the sadness and pain of losing you might overshadow the light and love that you brought to our lives. On the day we said goodbye, I made a promise to myself and to you that your birthday, February 3rd, will always be a day on which I seek to find joy in the midst of our tragedy. It is my promise to you that your daddy and I will celebrate your birth every year by doing something special, that we will find ways to smile through the pain, and that we will thank God for the little but precious time we were given with you.
I intend to keep those promises. But your due date will forever be a day of could-have-beens, would-have-beens, and should-have-beens to me. I read somewhere that it is normal and okay to be angry at God as long as you don't stay that way. And that's good, because this day will probably always be a day that I let myself dwell in the sorrow, hurt, and anger that comes from losing you. But don't worry sweetheart...I promise that I won't let myself stay that way.
Love,
Mommy
"Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life."
Gone Too Soon by Daughtry
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