Missing You at Christmas

Sweet Boy,

It's Christmas Eve, which means in 24 hours, your brother and sister will experience their 2nd Christmas.  They don't understand Christmas anymore than they did last year, but they do understand toys and playing with family members, so I have no doubt that this year's Christmas will be even better than last year's.  It's such a bittersweet time of year though for me.  As much fun as we'll have spending the day with family, you will always be missing. It's the babies' 2nd Christmas, but this year also marks our 3rd Christmas without you.

There's are special gifts under the tree for Baylor & Griffin from you.  They are these sweet Precious Moment's figurines.  One is an angel pushing a tiny baby girl in a pink baby stroller.  The other is an angel helping a baby boy take his first steps. I found them on sale yesterday in a local shop.  I had stopped there on a whim because I had some time to kill before meeting someone and thought of a last minute gift I could look for there.  I had chosen and paid for the gift when I noticed these on my way out the exit. I only stopped to take a look because Aunt Becca used to be a collector.  The tears stung my eyes as soon as I saw them.  There was only one of each, and I  know they were put there just for me.  I hope that these gifts mean as much to the twins one day as they mean to me.

Last night after I got home, we fed the babies dinner and gave them a bath.  I got Baylor out of the bathtub to get ready for bed while your Daddy finished bathing Griffin. I sat her down on the changing table and was putting on her PJ's when she pointed to the shadow box that hangs above the changing table.  It's filled with the hat & bib that matched the outfit you wore after birth, as well as your footprints, a picture of your tiny hand, and your hospital bracelet. I asked her, "Oh, are you looking at brother's things?" She immediately started looking around the room frantically, and it dawned on me that she was looking for Griffin because he's the only brother she knows. Tears fell for a second time in just a few hours.

One day, she'll know about you even though she won't know you until this lifetime is over.  Grief is hard and it's a journey that never ends.  This morning, as I began typing you this letter, I realized that I forgot to do our annual Toys for Tots donation in your memory. The deadline has way passed, and it's Christmas Eve, so I don't know if I'll be able to do something in it's place. The tears are falling once again, as I feel like I've forgotten you at Christmas even though you've been on my mind so much. A wise friend just reminded me that healing sometimes involves forgetting.  I know she's right, but it's still hard.  I don't want to forget, but I also don't want to stop living.  There is no perfect balance...no guide to follow. We just do the best we can.

Whether I am able to buy toys in your memory or not, you'll be in my heart this Christmas.  I love you and I miss you, baby boy.  Merry Christmas!

Love,

Mommy

Living a life of Love

Sweet Morris,

This morning, I made a cup of coffee and sat down for a few minutes while everyone was asleep.  I opened Facebook to find that a friend had recently welcomed another child into her home.  This friend now has 8 little ones to take care of, including some that require special love and care, and she provides it all with more grace and smiles than many moms of one or two can muster.

It got me thinking about how many amazing people you've brought into my life.  Most are people with whom I would have probably never crossed paths.  They are some of the most selfless, inspirational, genuine people I've ever met, and I feel blessed to know them. Some of these people are part of the loss momma club.  It's a odd club...one with members who don't want you to join, but who rush to greet you with open arms when you do.

I started a new devotional this morning - it's the one we were given in the baby dedication class I wrote you about a few weeks ago.  This morning's devotion seemed like it was written about many of these people I've met or gotten to know better since you.  Part of it read:

"When God talks about love, He isn't talking about the ooey-gooey feelings we have somewhere in our hearts. He's talking about a commitment. He's talking about a choice. He's talking about putting someone else ahead of ourselves. Love can be defined as "compassionately and righteously pursing the well-being of another." Love is an action, not an emotion. And it's a responsibility that God has commanded us to live out." Kingdom Family Devotional, Tony Evans & Johnathan Evans

These friends I've made along this journey, they embody this.  They've taken all the pain that God has put in their path, and they have put it into doing things for others. Some in a more traditional way of showing compassion, giving support, and lending a helping hand.  Others in less traditional ways that maybe they don't even recognize.  But each one of them is living out a life of love.

I can't reflect on the character of these women without reflecting on my own. I wonder - am I living a life that you would be proud of?  Am I doing enough? These are questions that most all of us ask ourselves at times.  I can point to a few areas where I think I'm doing well, and probably a whole bunch more where I'm not.  I've decided that my new year's resolution won't be focused on something I can do for myself, like lose weight or get more sleep, but instead will be focused on an area where I can show more love.

One thing that I am proud of is Operation Over the Rainbow and the love it provides to children in our community.  This year will be our 3rd annual Operation Over the Rainbow, and we'll wrap it up in February, the month in which you would have turned 3 this year.  In the past 2 years, we've collected nearly 300 Journey Bags, book bags filled with personal care items that are given to children when they enter foster care.  It is one small way that your legacy lives on and for that I am grateful.

We had our first snow of the year this weekend.  As I looked out the window at everything pure and white, I thought of you.  I know your holiday season is filled with more glory, love and peace than we could imagine.  Merry Christmas, Morris.

Love,

Mommy

Thank you to all the women with broken hearts who have showed me such love and compassion over the last 3 years!  I'm blessed to know you.