I miss you so much. I saw something that someone posted not long ago that said when it snows the angels are having a pillow fight. You must be having so much fun up there. But I have to wonder if heaven is going to run out of pillows anytime soon.
Your daddy and I got out of the house on an overnight trip for the first time since we said goodbye to you. Like all of our firsts, it was hard, but it was also good for us. While we were away though, it happened. Someone asked the question. The question that I knew would come, the question that I've been dreading. In the midst of a casual conversation, the person asked, "Do you have children?" It used to be such an innocent question.
Despite all my anticipation and planning over the last few weeks, despite all the answers that I'd prepared in my head and had been ready to say when this moment came, I panicked. I looked helplessly at your daddy and he looked helplessly back at me. Someone who knew our story jumped in with a quick "no" for us and changed the subject. I was so grateful to that person. I spent the rest of the conversation nodding my head and giving small smiles, hoping that the person I was talking with didn't notice that my mind was elsewhere. My mind was on you, of course.
I've thought about it a lot in the last few weeks, and I know that answering the question with a "no" is okay. It is one of the many answers that I've placed in my big bag of possible responses. There will be times, like this one, when I am feeling emotionally raw and when I'm not strong enough to share our story without breaking down. There will be times, like this one, when we aren't in the right time or place to share our story or when the person across from us would be too caught off guard by it. I know that answering the question with a "no" in those situations is what is best for me. And yet, I don't know if I will ever be able to answer it that way without my heart breaking. Without sending a quick prayer up to the heavens and asking for forgiveness.
My love for you is so true, so strong. It will stand the test of all these simple, innocent questions. No matter how I choose to answer a question in the moment, I know that you and everyone else who loves me will understand.
Now please sweet baby, no more pillow fights.
Love,
Mommy
No comments:
Post a Comment