Preparing for the Holidays

Baby Boy,

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! The stores are filled with holiday items, and the tree is up at the Rankin house.  It's a different kind of tree this year.  I usually put two trees up.  The biggest tree is filled with pretty, matching ornaments in shades of brown and gold.  The second tree is usually the smaller tree, and it's filled with our sentimental ornaments - ones that remind us of you, ones bought as a keepsake from a trip, ones passed down from our childhoods.  Both trees always have classic white lights to make them sparkle. 

This year though, with two toddlers to plan around, I decided on only one tree.  Colored lights and our special ornaments adorn it. I hung the ornaments last Sunday night, and I pointed out each one as I hung them.  "This one is from Mommy and Daddy's honeymoon - look babies, it has Mickey and Minnie on it!" "Baylor, this is one of your first Christmas ornaments."  "This ornament has a big 'G' for Griffin on it!"  "This is an ornament that Mommy and Daddy picked up the year we spent Christmas in NYC.  Did you know that the two of you are souvenirs from that trip?!"

And of course, there were all of your ornaments to hang. "This is Morris's first Christmas ornament. See the pretty angel wings and his name engraved?"  "This elephant ornament was a gift from a friend in memory of your big brother."  "This is one of my favorites - an elephant ornament complete with wings and halo!" "Your aunt Judy bought this ornament for us last year - it has all 5 of our family members on it!"

Afterward, we turned up the Christmas music and danced around the living room together.  As I held Baylor up to the tree to look at one of the ornaments, I found myself in tears.  I don't know if they were sad or happy tears, honestly.  I think they were a mixture of both.  I know a lot of people think it's too early to put up Christmas decorations before the Thanksgiving holiday arrives.  I think with all the craziness of the world these days though, some of us are just looking for the peace and spirit of family that Christmas brings along with it.

As I was decorating the tree, I bent down to pick up an ornament that had fallen.  I noticed something I'd been looking for on top the DVD box under the entertainment center.  It was a devotional book that was given to us for the twins' Baby Dedication service this Mother's Day.  I was so excited, as I knew that I had tucked my notes from the dedication class inside the front cover.  The Baby Dedication class was taught by my friend Julie. I've been looking for the book and my notes ever since, because I got a lot from the class and wanted to be able to document/share what I learned.

The class was based around verses found in Deuteronomy 6:4-7:

"Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise."

There were 5 main takeaways from the class:

1. Widen your circle - Invite others to be involved with your children. You don't have to raise your children all on your own. Partner with the Church. Find people who can reach your children in ways you can't and help strengthen their relationship with Christ.
2. Imagine the end - focus on the things that will have an impact in your child's life.  Choose your battles.  Know the difference between what matters and what matters most. (My take away - fighting with a toddler who wants to wear rain boots when it's not raining = silly; making family dinner time non-negotiable = important). 
3. Fight for the heart - Fight for unconditional love in your home.  Don't win the argument but lose the heart.  Prove to your children that you can be trusted over the long haul. Use positive communication - a communication style that shows you value the relationship.  (I love this last one - so often we respond quickly, especially to children, and without realizing the words we are using or not explaining.)
4. Create a rhythm - Establish what is acceptable in your family and set expectations. If you always go to church together on Sunday and you have dinner each night as a family, it's clear that those things are important.
5. Make it personal - Don't neglect your own salvation. Your parenting success will be about your own relationship with God.  Your faith and character matters because your children are always watching. 

A remember-able quote was, "Focus on the bigger story that God wants to show your children through you."

I wanted to type these notes up months ago, but I think it was God's plan that they were "lost" for a bit.  Sometimes re-reading things later gives you a new appreciation/understanding for the topic, and it encourages you to re-commit to taking it to heart. I want to be the best mom I can be to these two little miracles we've been given, and I'm reminded of some ways that I can do that through the message Julie shared.

Although our house looks like Christmas already, it's the Thanksgiving holiday that we'll be celebrating next. Just like the past 2 years, there will be an empty seat at the table as we celebrate.  We'll light a candle and remember you.  I'll say a praise of thanks on that day as I do everyday for the ways that you've changed my life and the lives of so many others.  

Love, 

Mommy

God's Grace in our Grief

Dear Morris,

I don't know if I've ever shared this story that I'm about to share about your death, but I find it on my mind tonight as I think about our hurting community. A community left with unanswered questions, shaken faith, and a gaping hole after the passing of a young newlywed and her unborn child. While I didn't personally know this woman, my heart is breaking for her family and friends.  Writing you always soothes my heart, and so here I am.

 I started reading a book called "The Circle-Maker: Praying Circles Around Your Biggest Dreams and Greatest Fears" right before I found out you were gone. I had taken the book with me to my appointment that morning, and as I sat in the waiting room anxiously waiting for the nurse to call my name, I read a chapter. With my heart still hoping that my gut feeling that something wrong was just first-time mom jitters, I began to make a list of all the things I should draw a circle around and start praying for you.

Fifteen minutes later, my worst fears were confirmed and my life was turned upside down. I honestly don't remember much about that day beyond going home and laying on the nursery floor sobbing with Daddy.  I do remember waking up in the middle of the night, just hours before we were scheduled to deliver you, and feeling the urge to go pray in the nursery.

I spent an hour sobbing and offering up the most heartfelt prayers.  Recalling what I had read earlier that day, I walked circles in your nursery, touching all the items that had been lovingly chosen for you.  I prayed over each one believing that if I did, you would come home to them. I boldly proclaimed a miracle, and in those early morning moments, I believed that one would be granted.

The next morning, my faith wavered as I prepared to go to the hospital.  It wavered so much that I didn't request the ultrasound that I had planned to request before the induction started to prove that my miracle had been granted. The miracle that I had believed in during those wee hours of the morning seemed so ridiculous just a few short hours later.

Anger is one of the well-known stages of grief, but for some reason, the anger hasn't come for me yet. However, the guilt and regret over what I should have done, prayed, realized, etc. has haunted me at times. Months after your birth, still deep in my grief, I wondered if the reason God didn't answer my prayers was because my faith had been too small.  Because I hadn't prayed long enough or hard enough. Because I hadn't prayed for the right things. Because I didn't trust enough that God could do something impossible.  My heart broke at the thought that I might have failed you by not praying boldly enough.

It's taken me time to move past my guilt. To realize that sometimes God hears us but doesn't answer our prayers in the way that we want. I don't know why.  I trust that His ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:9). People always say that when we get to Heaven, we can ask why, but I think when we get to Heaven it won't matter anymore. All the pain and hurt that we felt on this earth won't even be a memory.

I never finished the Circle Maker book. I honestly have no idea what even happened to my copy.   I have prayed some bold prayers since your death though. Sometimes they've been answered in the way that I hoped, and sometimes they haven't been. In all cases though, I can tell you without a doubt that they have mattered.  Even the ones that weren't answered in the way that I wanted.  Somehow even those prayers have strengthened my faith and confirmed for me that we love a God who gives grace even when his answer is no.

I have experienced God's grace in the midst of my own grief so many times. I pray that those who are hurting so deeply tonight will feel God's arms wrapped tightly around them and that His presence and grace will be ever apparent in the coming days and weeks.

Love,

Mommy

 Morris's verse - my go-to verse when I am in a place where I don't or can't understand. 

Praying for consolation that brings joy.