I haven't written in a while. There have been so many times when I've sat down with the intention of writing, but my exhaustion has stopped me. I think about you all the time though, even when I'm not writing.
I''ll be 32 weeks pregnant with your brother and sister tomorrow. I feel my anxiety increasing as we get closer to the 36 week mark, which was the point in our pregnancy when we lost you. Any number of things can trigger my anxiety - being told that I'm "small for carrying twins", hearing about another family's late pregnancy loss, experiencing some random symptom, or doing something to prepare for the babies' arrival. I remember at this point in my pregnancy with you thinking about how soon you would be here. When a similar thought runs through my head this time, or when someone comments about how soon the twins will arrive, I smile on the outside while feeling terrified on the inside.
I've tried hard to push through my anxiety and prepare as much as possible for the twins. There is a second crib in the nursery now. There are clothes washed and put away in the dresser and closet. There is a second car seat that is waiting along with the one we bought for you to be installed in the car in the coming weeks. Grami and Aunt Becca have been hosting a virtual baby shower for the twins. We've received the sweetest and most generous gifts. I am so grateful for the help, and most off all, I'm appreciative that our friends and family understand the reasons why I can't face an in-person shower right now.
We decided early on to reuse many of the things in your nursery for your siblings. There was so much work and love that went into preparing for you, and I couldn't bear the thought of it never being used. There were some things of yours that I wanted to keep just for you though, so I packed away some meaningful items. There were keepsakes from baby showers, special gifts and outfits, and hundreds of sympathy cards. You've been gone almost a year and a half, and yet the grief I felt in packing up some of your things was as fresh as it was in the weeks following your death.
Daddy was traveling this weekend, so Grami stayed with me for a few days. She and Papaw helped me with a number of projects, including doing some organizing in the nursery and hanging some shelving above the dresser. I knew that I wanted to have a special place to keep some of your items and your picture in the nursery. I love the way that it turned out, and it makes me feel like you will be watching over your brother and your sister.
So many people have been praying for us, and I have felt those prayers in the last several months. One answered prayer has been having an amazing team of doctors and midwives caring for me that really get my anxiety and needs this pregnancy. I have been amazed and at times brought to tears by how supportive and understanding they have been. Another answered prayer is that the babies have been active, which reassures me most days that everything is okay. And although I never asked for this specifically, I have no doubt that all the prayers going up for us is at least part of the reason that there have been so many double rainbows this year. I don't think I ever remember there being so many in one year, and there have been several times when in the midst of terrible anxiety, a double rainbow has appeared.
There are a few prayer requests that I currently have that I'm hoping those who read this letter will offer up on my behalf:
- We begin weekly doctor appointments starting this Tuesday with an ultrasound. I'm praying that the babies have continued to grow and develop as they should and that they are right on track.
- The idea that we might get safely to our delivery date occurs to me now and then. I don't have a birth plan this time, and the most important thing to me is that the babies and I are healthy and safe. That said, if I had my choice, I'd like to avoid a c-section. Baby girl has been breech so far and would need to turn in order for that to happen. Either way, I'm praying for a safe delivery and healthy babies and momma.
- As we get closer to 36 weeks, I know my anxiety will only worsen. I desperately need God's peace and provision throughout the remainder of this pregnancy.
- With all the worrying about making it to delivery, I haven't had much time to think about what will happen if we get to bring these babies home. A loss mother recently shared an article about how your grief can sometimes bubble back up to the surface when you deliver your rainbow baby/babies and come home. It isn't the first time that I've heard about the increased risk for postpartum depression and anxiety that loss mothers face. Again, I am praying for God's peace and comfort.
Grami bought a book for the twins called "Someone came before you". It is a beautiful story about two people who fall in love and want to have a baby. They are overjoyed when they find out they are pregnant, but sadly their baby doesn't get to stay. Over time though, their love for that baby makes them ready to try again. The next baby grows up celebrating and remembering the life of their sweet sibling in heaven. The book makes me smile through the tears. We will never forget the baby who came before...I love and miss you so much.
Love,
Mommy
The Double Rainbow that showed up a few weeks ago when I was feeling particularly anxious.
