Oh, how I miss you. This time of the day always reminds me of the little kicks and jabs I'd feel from you after I'd eaten breakfast and had my morning orange juice. Morris, I think you would have been a morning person like mommy. I would have treasured those early mornings cuddling and cooing to you more than anything in the world. But you aren't here, so instead I spend my time thinking about you and writing to you.
I've been feeling grateful the last few days. I'm surprised about feeling this way to be honest; it is hard to believe that the last few weeks could have given me anything about which I could feel grateful. Yet my heart is full of love and thankfulness.
In the days immediately following our goodbye, I was so incredibly anxious. My mind constantly thought about who I might lose next. I was particularly worried that I might lose your daddy, that we might not make it through the pain of losing you. You see, I had read somewhere (your daddy calls me the Google Queen, and I don't think he means it as a compliment) that a good percentage of couples who lose a child end up divorced...that the death of a child can put a strain on even the strongest of marriages. I was petrified, because I couldn't bear thinking that I might lose you and your daddy too. But the past few weeks have shown me just how strong the love is that your daddy and I share for you, for one another, and for God. While we might grieve differently, we will always grieve together. And because nothing we could ever go through could be more heartbreaking, more devastating, more difficult than losing you, I will never worry about whether your daddy and I will make it through this life together ever again.
I also read about the friends, even close friends, that we would likely lose because of your death. Others who have gone through the loss of a child told me that they experienced this very thing. I was told that there would be friends who wouldn't know what to say or what to do, friends who would be uncomfortable with our grief, and friends who would find our loss just too devastating to think about, and that these friends would slowly disappear. I found myself worrying and wondering about which of our close friends might drift out of our lives. I cried about how unfair it was that not only would we lose you, but that we would also lose others we cared about so deeply. It turns out that the worrying was for nothing. While there have been people that we thought we'd hear from but haven't, our close friends have all been here. They have reached out daily in some way - with a phone call, a text or a message, a visit. They have quietly sat beside us in the most difficult moments knowing that there were no words that could take away the pain. They have cried for us and with us. They have said your name aloud, sat in your nursery, and have asked to see your pictures. They have made us laugh and have gotten us out of the house when we have needed it the most. I am grateful from the bottom of my heart for these friends - friends that I don't need to name because you and they know who they are. Although it has only been a month, I know that these friends will forever be part of our family.
I'm grateful for new friends that I've made in this journey...people who had never met me before I lost you but who reached out and became a beacon of light in my very darkest moments. I'm grateful for old friends that I've reconnected with...friends that I hadn't seen or spoken to in years but who reached out the moment they saw a need they could fulfill. I'm grateful for a friendship with someone that I never thought possible...a friend with whom I now share an unbreakable bond. I'm grateful for a church family and a community that has sent up more prayers on our behalf than I could possibly count.
I'm grateful for our family who loves and misses you more than you could imagine....your Papaw and Gramy, Granddaddy and B-Ball, Aunt Becca and Uncle Dustin, Aunt Alicia and Uncle Matt, Aunt Amy and Uncle Greg, Aunt Emily and Uncle Ryan, your cousins Johnny, Landon, Rafe, Riley, Ava and Abigail. You have such an amazing family. They have done things for us in the last few weeks for which we will never be able to find the words to convey our gratitude. They have been our rock during a time when all else seems to be crumbling. They have demonstrated the true meaning of family.
It feels odd to have both a grieving and a grateful heart. Only God could put the two together.
Love,
Mommy
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