I woke up a little after midnight. My heart was heavy. My shoulders were tense, my muscles ached, my head was cloudy. Losing you weighed on me. I tossed and turned for a while trying to get back to sleep, but I finally got up and came into your nursery to sit. The weight feels lighter in here.
We gave away the last of your milk yesterday. The milk that was supposed to feed and nourish you. I had known all along that giving it away wouldn't be easy, but I hadn't expected it to feel like such a physical loss. I know that giving it away was beautiful and meaningful and brought some small amount of purpose to all of this, but giving it away still hurt.
In the early days after coming home from the hospital, pumping was comforting. It was a routine, something to focus on other than the pain. It was the one thing I could do that reminded me I was still a mother. Your daddy was such an amazing support. He sat and talked with me while I pumped; he cleaned parts and labeled bags. Together we would count down the next three hours until it was time for me to pump again. But as the days turned into weeks and our freezer filled up, pumping became less comforting and more of a reminder that you weren't here. I decided to stop, but it is a decision that hasn't come without guilt or heartache. In some ways, I feel like a connection with you has been lost, one that I will never be able to get back.
From the time we made the decision that I would pump, I had in my head that your milk should go to a sick or very premature baby...a baby that could "really use it". It felt like that was the only way for there to be purpose in doing it. When I hear myself say that aloud now, it sounds selfish and silly because one baby's life isn't more valuable than another's. But letting go of the idea was hard for me. After days of agonizing over what I should do, I finally realized that I was trying to control something that I needed to put in God's hands. Right before I posted the milk for donation, your daddy and I prayed that my post would be seen by the right person and that your milk would go to the baby that God intended. Within minutes of our prayer and my post, I received a random thinking-about you text from a friend that included this bible verse: "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." (Proverbs 19:21) Talk about getting a reminder when you really need one.
It turns out that God had two babies in mind for your milk. Not surprisingly, they are both baby boys around the same age as you would have been.
We know the parents of one of these babies, although not very well. Their son shared a due date with you but was born two days early. They offered to let us meet him the other night when they came to pick up the milk. He was the first baby that I had held since you. As we stood in your nursery with his parents, my eye caught a small stuffed giraffe in one of your toy baskets. I knew that it was supposed to go to him. It gives me comfort to know that it will be played with instead of sitting idly with your other toys.
We didn't get to meet the other baby, and we probably never will. But I know that he must be a special baby boy too.
Love,
Mommy
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