I woke up this morning and cried, but for the first time since losing you, the tears I cried were tears of happiness. The bible promises us that weeping may last through the night, but that joy comes with the morning (Psalm 30:5). Last night, God gave us joy in our mourning. After a long and heroic effort by his mother, our Godson Jackson is finally here.
Your daddy and I have always loved children. Your daddy is so amazing with little ones. I can't count the number of times that we've been out somewhere and your daddy has disappeared only to come back a little while later with someone's baby in his arms and a huge grin on his face. After we lost you, I wondered if all that would change. I thought it would hurt him too much to be around other people's children when we didn't have our own child. But two days after we returned home from the hospital without you, I watched your daddy on the floor playing with your cousin Abigail. As he laid on his back and tossed her up in the air, and I listened to the two of them giggle, tears of relief filled my eyes. Just a few days later, I heard him tell our friends that we wanted to be present at their son's birth - something that the two of us hadn't discussed - and my heart filled with pride for this man that you are lucky enough to get to call daddy.
As I watched your daddy with Abigail that day, I vowed that I would not let Satan steal our joy. I know that withdrawing ourselves from the children in our lives would be letting Satan win. Satan would like nothing more than for there to be no more happiness or laughter in our lives, for there to be no more precious moments spent with the little ones we love so dearly, for us to view birth as a painful reminder instead of the miracle it is.
When I shared with people that your daddy and I wanted to be present when Jackson was born, a lot of people were concerned for us. They worried that it was too soon for us to walk into the hospital where we said goodbye to you and say hello to another baby boy. I've put on a big face about the topic, but I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't agonized about it myself. If I hadn't doubted that I would have the strength to follow through. Thursday, when I got the news that Jackson might be on his way, I broke down and cried. The reality that Jackson would be here and you wouldn't be hit me again, and it was hard. I called your daddy for support. Then I pulled myself together, and I walked up the street to a friend's house. This friend cares for her child and several other children in her home, including your cousin Abigail. I was greeted at the door with Abigail's huge smile, and within a few minutes, I was sitting on the floor playing race cars with three beautiful children. It was the reminder my heart needed about why we wanted to be at Jackson's birth, and I walked back home with renewed strength and determination to be there for my best friends and Godson.
Jackson certainly made us wait...his mommy endured 31 hours of labor. Your daddy and I spent 12 of those hours at the hospital. We got to spend an amazing few hours sitting with our friends as they anxiously awaited Jackson's arrival, and then we headed out in the waiting room. It was several hours later before we got the text that he was here, and another few hours before we got the text that he was ready to meet us.
There are only 4 babies that I have had the honor of holding just hours after they were born: my nieces Ava and Abigail, you, and Jackson. Each time I have reveled in the miracle I was experiencing. But maybe because the miracle of holding you didn't go as we had planned, holding Jackson last night filled my heart with more joy than I thought possible. The moment that everyone, including me, thought would be bittersweet was only sweet. I will cherish those few minutes we spent with Jackson and his mommy and daddy for the rest of my life.
On our drive home, I waited for the bitter feelings to come. I waited for the overwhelming joy and happiness I felt to be replaced with an overwhelming sadness and jealousy. But the sadness and envy never came, and the tears I cried this morning were tears of love and redemption. Our minds cannot comprehend the strength and peace that the Holy Spirit will give us if we only ask. We can't imagine the blessings we will receive from choosing to find joy in the midst of life's biggest sorrows. Morris, that is something I will be forever grateful to you for teaching me.
Love,
Mommy
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