The Rankin Family Christmas Card

Dear Friends and Family,

Last year, I wrote you a Christmas letter on my blog instead of sending a Christmas card. At the time, my heart was broken, and I couldn't make myself choose a card knowing that a picture of our sweet family of three wouldn't adorn it. This year, my heart still breaks to hold my firstborn son, but I have two beautiful new babies to brighten the face of a card. Unfortunately, I just don't have time to mail a card this year.  I'll hold out hope for next year (but I won't make any promises!).

It has been another year of roller coaster emotions for Ryan and I, but thankfully there have been more ups than downs. We kicked off the 2016 New Year in Morris Park with a special ball drop that my dad crafted. As we welcomed the new year, I prayed hard that it would be better than the last. Little did we know when the ball dropped that this year would have more in store for us than we could have possibly imagined. Little did we know that I was already carrying two precious miracles.

Although this year has brought us so very much to be thankful for, it wasn't the easiest year for me. I struggled with high anxiety levels throughout my pregnancy.  We were faced with worries about my grandparents' health at times. Friends and coworkers lost loved ones, and sweet little ones that we had come to know took their last breaths here on earth.  The world seemed to become a scarier place as the year went on. Ryan and I haven't slept well these last few months, and the stress of being new parents has certainly created times where one of us or neither of us has been at our best.

The birth of our rainbow twins has far out-shadowed any negative that this year brought though. There have been moments that Ryan and I have found ourselves in happy tears as we've gazed down at Baylor and Griffin's sweet faces.  How such tiny smiles can make everything in the world right, I'll never know.  What I do know is that God has blessed us far more than we deserve, and I am forever grateful.

I owe so many of you a big thank you. I will never in my lifetime be able to repay you for the kindness and love you've shown us.  You have shared in the very worst and very best moments of my life. It never seems to fail that when I need you, you show up in a big way. Nearly two years after our journey with you began, you continue to amaze me with your kindness and generosity. Just this week, I received a special gift from a friend that celebrates Morris and the twin's lives.  I wish it was possible for me to convey to you just how much these gestures have meant to me, but even I can't find the words. However, I recalled something that someone said to my mom on Thanksgiving Day, and it made me realize that perhaps no words are needed.

Our extended family has always included the relatives of our immediate family members.  I don't know if it ever occurred to me growing up that not all families work this way.  But my grandparents always hosted family dinners, and everyone including my other set of grandparents and my aunt's family was welcome.  We got to know her family well, and it has always been like being part of one large, extended family. This Thanksgiving, my aunt hosted dinner at her home. My parents, grandparents, and cousins all attended, along with my aunt's family. It was the first big family outing that the twins had attended.

My mom shared with me later that as the babies were being passed around that day, my aunt's mother smiled and said to her, "These babies belong to everyone."  I can't even type the sentence without tears falling because it is exactly how I feel, and it makes me so incredibly happy. To know that our children, all three of them, are loved by so many people is simply overwhelming to me.

I can't find the words to say thank you in the way that you all deserve, but I promise to keep sharing our story and babies with you. Its a story that you've become such an important part of these last few years, and these babies are ones that you have wished for, prayed for, loved and supported every step of the way. Know that every time we post a picture or share a story about them, we are grateful to you for your part in making it all possible. We love you all so very, very much.

And if someone special will be missing from around your tree this year, please know that you are covered in our prayers and our love.

Merry Christmas,

Keri

Loss Momma

Dear Morris,

Sometimes it's hard to be a loss mom, especially one with newborn babies. As busy as we are with the twins, I still think of you. Sometimes I look at Baylor's sweet face, and she reminds me so much of you. Once or twice I've caught myself calling Griffin by your name. Every new milestone is one that makes me sad we missed out on seeing you hit the same one.

I had a disagreement with another loss mom the other week, and sadly it ended with her deciding she no longer wanted to be friends. Our disagreement was over whether I was being insensitive to post so many pictures of the babies when I knew first-hand the struggle of infertility and loss. In the last few weeks, I've really pondered some of her comments and wondered if I have been a terrible member of the loss community. The last thing I would ever want to do is bring anyone, especially a loss mother, more pain.

The thing is, I do know the struggle. I know that desperate feeling of wanting a baby. I know the roller coaster of emotions that the 2-week wait brings. I know the hurt of seeing baby announcement after baby announcement while still waiting on your own 2 pink lines to show up. I know the longing as you pick out clothes and plan a nursery in your head for a baby that you wonder if will ever come.  I know the worry and anxiety that pregnancy brings. And I know that a heart can actually break, because mine did the moment they told me you were gone. I know the immense pain of saying goodbye to my child, of handing him over knowing it was the last time I'd ever see his face on this earth. I know the ache of empty arms. I know the envy of seeing other mothers with their bundles of joy. I know how all these things can cause bitterness to set in and how that bitterness will take over if you let it.

But I also know the unbelievable joy of seeing those tiny little blobs on that first ultrasound. I know the excitement of feeling those first flutters that later turn into jabs and kicks. I know the happiness of finally getting to pick out those clothes and decorate that nursery for real. I know the jubilant feeling of hearing your baby cry for the first time. I know the peacefulness of snuggling your baby close to you and never wanting that moment to pass.

I know all of these things, and I don't apologize for knowing any of them. I choose to tell our story, the tragic parts and the amazing parts, in the hopes that it will bring others hope and strengthen their faith. I choose to keep sharing our story because it has led to lots of new and wonderful friendships. So many people that are reading this letter are tightly woven into our story now through their prayers, support and love.

I know being a rainbow momma has changed me, but I also know that it hasn't changed the fact that I am still a loss momma.  Never is that more clear than on days like Friday when we visited Morris Park for the first time as a family, a park that bears your name but that you'll never get to play at.  Or than on days like today when we'll put up a Christmas tree with so many ornaments in your memory but that we'll miss you sitting under on Christmas morning. Nothing and no one will ever change the fact that I am a loss mom.

I miss you more each day.

Love,

Mommy

Mommy, Griffin & Baylor at Morris Park <3

It's Not All Bad

Darling Boy,

I snuggled with both your brother and sister at different points last night, and as I looked at their peaceful and angelic faces, I thought of you.  I thought of something that my cousin shared with me right after you passed away.  It was a quote that said, "And to think, the first thing he saw when his little eyes opened was the face of Jesus."  On the eve of Election Day and amid news stories about serial killers and terrorism, I found comfort in that knowledge.

I am an anxious person by default, so perhaps I should have known, but nothing could have prepared me for the anxiety that having to raise babies in this crazy scary world brings.  I'm only 33, but even I can see just how different the world is from the one I grew up in. Terrorism is everywhere - overseas and our own backyards.  Greed and evil rule the hearts of many.  Earthquakes, hurricanes and other natural disasters seem more and more frequent.  The end of times feels so very close to me.

Just the other night, as I gazed down at Griffin sleeping on my lap and tried to quiet all these thoughts rolling around in my head, I was overwhelmed by a mother's love. I asked Daddy if he thought we had been selfish by wanting to bring more lives into this messed up world. I ran down the list of all the reasons why maybe we shouldn't have.  Daddy was quiet for a moment, then he looked up from a sleeping Baylor and said, "Yeah.  But there are a lot of good things about this world too."

        

It took me a few hours of pondering it, but I've realized he's right. For now, God still hears our prayers. He continues to bless us.  There are simple pleasures I enjoyed growing up that Baylor and Griffin will also enjoy.  For them there will be Christmas mornings cozied up as a family reading about Jesus's birth, summer days playing outside, a first time seeing the majesty of the ocean, the thrill of their first bike ride, an exciting first day of school, and so many more happy moments coming. 

So while Election Day has me feeling a little sick to my stomach, I am choosing to focus on the positive today.  I am holding on to my faith in God and remembering that no matter who wins the election, and no matter what happens after its over, God is the almighty ruler in this world and in the next. And while this world is a scary place, like Daddy said, it's not all bad.

Love,

Mommy

The Woman You Made Me

Sweet Baby Boy,

Our Pastor Todd gave a sermon once around James 5:16 which says in part, "The prayers of a righteous person is powerful and effective." That sermon and verse popped into my head this morning.  Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Early this morning as I gazed at your bother and sister and thought about you, I felt an overwhelming gratitude to the righteous people who prayed for us after your death. I am convinced that because of their prayers, we remember you in our hearts today while holding two more miracles in our arms.

There are two prayers in particular that standout to me, although I know that there were hundreds of prayers said for us. The first prayer was said by my parent's friend Steve, and I wasn't even there to witness it.  Grami and Papaw told me later about the beautiful request laid out by Steve over a lunch out one Sunday.  Specifically, Steve asked God to bless our family with a double portion, to return to us in double what we had lost. Grami told me after she found out about your brother and sister that when Steve prayed that prayer, her immediate thought was twins. 

The second prayer was a prayer that was spoken by a co-worker named Connie one day. She lifted one hand in the air, put another hand  on my shoulder, and boldly told God that she was claiming a blessing for me and Daddy.  When I told her about Daddy and my plans to go to NYC a few months later, she smiled and said she just knew God was going to bless our trip in a big way.

In the shower this morning, I thought about how those prayers and your life shaped me. Because of you, I am a woman who understands loss and can offer comfort to others with similar heartbreak. Because of you, so many wonderful women have become friends. Because of you, my faith is stronger today then it was a year ago. Because of you, I am a mother who can see that 2 AM feedings and countless diaper changes are a true blessing. Because of you, I am a mother who knows how important it is to sing hymns of praise to my babies, take them to church, and tell them about Jesus and the cross. 

Children change us. It doesn't matter whether we held them for a day, for ten thousand days, or never at all. Each and every child we've carried inside of us makes us a different person.  Mothers of angels are aware of this every single day, but today the world recognizes it with us. 

Love,

Mommy

Baylor & Griffin's Birth Story

Dear Morris,

It is hard to believe that it hasn't been a quite a week since your brother and sister have arrived, and I am actually finding a few minutes to share their birth story with you.  We have been very blessed to have help from Grami, Aunt Becca and others in the past week as we've adjusted to life with twins.

Before we ever got pregnant with your brother and sister, I prayed that this pregnancy would be very different from the pregnancy I had with you, knowing that somehow that would lessen my anxiety. And from the moment we learned we were expecting twins, this pregnancy was certainly different.

As we approached 36 weeks, the point in my pregnancy with you when we found out you were gone, my anxiety was high.  So many people were praying for us.  I truly believe that it lead to God orchestrating a situation that would ensure my anxiety was under control as we prepared for the arrival of the babies.

At our 35 week appointment, my blood pressure was higher than it had been. It wasn't dangerously high, but since it had been normal the entire pregnancy, the doctors office did a test for preeclampsia. The doctor called me back two days later to let me know that the test had been negative, but that she wanted to call and see how I was feeling.  I told her that I was feeling fine, but she suggested that I take my blood pressure if I was able just so we could be sure everything was okay.  She told me to call her back if it was above a certain number.

I went with Daddy to check my blood pressure, and this time it was very high.  We called the doctor back, and at her request, we headed to the hospital for monitoring.  After an afternoon of monitoring, and a positive preeclampsia test this time, they decided to admit us to the hospital overnight.  The next morning, the doctor let us know that she felt the safest thing would be for us to remain in the hospital until delivery, which she was recommending for 37 weeks. For the next 10 days, I was monitored every four hours and the babies were monitored twice a day. While it was difficult to spend so much time in the hospital, knowing we were all being watched so closely calmed my nerves.

The night before the C-section was scheduled, I was a nervous-wreck. I barely slept worrying about how the next day would go.  The nurses came in at 5 AM to start prepping me for surgery. Daddy and I spent our last minutes together as two saying a prayer for the safe arrival of your brother and sister. Daddy hugged me, gave me a kiss, and told me that he loved me and that it was all going to be alright. I think we were both in shock that the day we had been waiting on for so long had finally come.

Mary, the midwife that delivered you, was with us for the big day and walked with me to the operating room. Her presence with us on delivery day meant the world to us. On the way into the OR, she and I noticed a picture on the wall of a rainbow. Mary snapped a  picture with me and it on the way in and later captured the twins and I in front of it on the way out.

In the operating room, it seemed to take forever, but the moment finally came when I heard your baby sister cry.  I had been preparing myself this entire pregnancy for another silent delivery room. Instead, Baylor Paige Rankin entered this world with a loud cry that sent me into immediate sobs. It was one of the most emotional moments of my life. She was born at 8:54 AM on August 29, 2016, weighing 5lbs 9 oz. and measuring 19 inches long. Just a few short minutes later, at 8:57am, your brother Griffin Morris Rankin joined her, weighing 6 lbs. 4 oz. and measuring 19.25 inches. He was a quieter than your sister which had me worried at first, but it wasn't long before both babies were brought to me to nurse.  Back in the recovery room, we took our first family picture.

It has been a crazy week getting used to being the parents of twins. There has been lack of sleep of course, anxiety over the babies' weight gain and breastfeeding, and other worries. To top it off, I've developed something called PUPPS rash, which is an incredibly itchy rash that has spread over my hands, ankles, feet, legs, stomach and back. Because of my desire to breastfeed, there aren't many prescription options for me. So far the remedies I've tried haven't worked, and honestly, a few times my mood has been affected because I'm feeling so miserable. I am trying to remember in the midst of this that no matter what physical discomfort I am faced with after the birth of your siblings, it is nothing compared to the emotional pain of losing you. I know that somewhere right now is a mother with empty arms who would suffer any amount of physical pain and discomfort if it meant she could hold her baby. I am so grateful to God for his faithfulness during this pregnancy, and if it is his will, I pray that he takes this rash away soon. I have asked all the prayer warriors I know to pray along beside me.

The day after we came home from the hospital, my mom brought me a gift from a family member.  Inside was a beautiful painting of an angel elephant in the clouds pouring out love to his siblings below. It took my breath away, and I'd like to imagine that in the moments Baylor and Griffin entered in this world that you were there doing exactly as the painting shows...pouring out love over all of us.

My sweet angel, know that we are thinking of you, missing you, and offering our love for you up to the heavens as we begin this next stage of our lives.

Love,

Mommy

The Big Milestone

Baby Boy,

We've passed a big milestone in this pregnancy, maybe one that only I was holding my breath waiting to pass.  Today I am 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  That's one more day pregnant than I was when you were delivered stillborn.  I wish I could say that meeting that milestone has taken away all my anxiety and worry, but in all honesty, I am still having trouble imagining that we will be bringing these two babies home with us.

So many people have been praying for us in the last several months, and I have been reminded of that this past week as I've received so many messages of encouragement and love. I really believe that those prayers led God to orchestrate a situation over the past week to ensure that my anxiety would be much lower than it otherwise would have been. I am thankful because this has enabled me to better rest physically and emotionally as we prepare for your siblings to arrive.

As we near the end of this pregnancy, I am struck once again by just how blessed I am. Daddy has been by my side this entire pregnancy, literally waiting on me hand and foot, doing everything he can to ease my worries and fear.  Grami has washed and put away countless baby items, taken care of lots of household chores, and been such a blessing in helping us prepare for these little ones. Papaw has worked all summer on an expansion to Morris Park in anticipation of two new arrivals and in memory of you, and he helped Daddy hang several items in order to finalize the nursery.  Your Bball and G-Daddy went through tubs and tubs of clothes handed down from family members, sorting, washing and folding them all for us. They've also stepped in and helped take care of our dogs Izzy and Abby whenever needed.  Your aunts and uncles have helped and been supportive in many ways. Friends and family have showered us with gifts and offered up so many thoughts and prayers on our behalf.

Its funny how different life can be from the life we plan, but I guess it is never different from the life God has planned for us. I remember so clearly the moment that I felt God was promising me that Daddy and I would be parents - it happened almost a year before you were conceived. We had been struggling for a while to get pregnant, and after a tearful prayer, I just felt God telling me that we would would have a child. When we lost you, I remember praying to God and begging that his plan was we not only get to be parents to you, but to a child that we would get to bring home.  And despite all the anxiety and doubt I have felt through this pregnancy, I remember feeling certain after that prayer that God had plans for us to be parents again.  Throughout this pregnancy, I have tried to hold on to a verse that Elizabeth says to Mary in Luke Chapter 1. Elizabeth had been barren and was in old age, but the Lord had promised her and her husband that they would bear a child. Mary, pregnant with Jesus at the time, comes to visit Elizabeth. As soon as she arrives, Elizabeth feels the baby inside her leap for joy and she exclaims, "Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord's word to her will be fulfilled (Luke 1:45)."

Although I am anxious and faith can be a moment-to-moment battle right now, I have to trust God to fulfill the promise he made to me a long time ago. I  have to believe that I will be holding your healthy brother and sister in my arms very soon.

Love,

Mommy

32 Weeks

Sweet Morris,

I haven't written in a while.  There have been so many times when I've sat down with the intention of writing, but my exhaustion has stopped me. I think about you all the time though, even when I'm not writing.

I''ll be 32 weeks pregnant with your brother and sister tomorrow. I feel my anxiety increasing as we get closer to the 36 week mark, which was the point in our pregnancy when we lost you.  Any number of things can trigger my anxiety - being told that I'm "small for carrying twins", hearing about another family's late pregnancy loss, experiencing some random symptom, or doing something to prepare for the babies' arrival.  I remember at this point in my pregnancy with you thinking about how soon you would be here.  When a similar thought runs through my head this time, or when someone comments about how soon the twins will arrive, I smile on the outside while feeling terrified on the inside.

I've tried hard to push through my anxiety and prepare as much as possible for the twins. There is a second crib in the nursery now.  There are clothes washed and put away in the dresser and closet. There is a second car seat that is waiting along with the one we bought for you to be installed in the car in the coming weeks.  Grami and Aunt Becca have been hosting a virtual baby shower for the twins. We've received the sweetest and most generous gifts.  I am so grateful for the help, and most off all, I'm appreciative that our friends and family understand the reasons why I can't face an in-person shower right now.

We decided early on to reuse many of the things in your nursery for your siblings. There was so much work and love that went into preparing for you, and I couldn't bear the thought of it never being used. There were some things of yours that I wanted to keep just for you though, so I packed away some meaningful items.  There were keepsakes from baby showers, special gifts and outfits, and hundreds of sympathy cards.  You've been gone almost a year and a half, and yet the grief I felt in packing up some of your things was as fresh as it was in the weeks following your death.

Daddy was traveling this weekend, so Grami stayed with me for a few days. She and Papaw helped me with a number of projects, including doing some organizing in the nursery and hanging some shelving above the dresser.  I knew that I wanted to have a special place to keep some of your items and your picture in the nursery.  I love the way that it turned out, and it makes me feel like you will be watching over your brother and your sister.

So many people have been praying for us, and I have felt those prayers in the last several months. One answered prayer has been having an amazing team of doctors and midwives caring for me that really get my anxiety and needs this pregnancy.  I have been amazed and at times brought to tears by how supportive and understanding they have been.  Another answered prayer is that the babies have been active, which reassures me most days that everything is okay.  And although I never asked for this specifically, I have no doubt that all the prayers going up for us is at least part of the reason that there have been so many double rainbows this year.  I don't think I ever remember there being so many in one year, and there have been several times when in the midst of terrible anxiety, a double rainbow has appeared.

There are a few prayer requests that I currently have that I'm hoping those who read this letter will offer up on my behalf:

• We begin weekly doctor appointments starting this Tuesday with an ultrasound.  I'm praying that the babies have continued to grow and develop as they should and that they are right on track.
• The idea that we might get safely to our delivery date occurs to me now and then.  I don't have a birth plan this time, and the most important thing to me is that the babies and I are healthy and safe. That said, if I had my choice, I'd like to avoid a c-section. Baby girl has been breech so far and would need to turn in order for that to happen.  Either way, I'm praying for a safe delivery and healthy babies and momma. 
• As we get closer to 36 weeks, I know my anxiety will only worsen. I desperately need God's peace and provision throughout the remainder of this pregnancy. 
• With all the worrying about making it to delivery, I haven't had much time to think about what will happen if we get to bring these babies home. A loss mother recently shared an article about how your grief can sometimes bubble back up to the surface when you deliver your rainbow baby/babies and come home.  It isn't the first time that I've heard about the increased risk for postpartum depression and anxiety that loss mothers face. Again, I am praying for God's peace and comfort. 

Grami bought a book for the twins called "Someone came before you".  It is a beautiful story about two people who fall in love and want to have a baby.  They are overjoyed when they find out they are pregnant, but sadly their baby doesn't get to stay.  Over time though, their love for that baby makes them ready to try again. The next baby grows up celebrating and remembering the life of their sweet sibling in heaven.  The book makes me smile through the tears.  We will never forget the baby who came before...I love and miss you so much.

Love,

Mommy

The Double Rainbow that showed up a few weeks ago when I was feeling particularly anxious.

BradyStrong

Dear Heartbroken Mom & Dad,

Sometimes I use this space to write to someone other than Morris. Ever since I heard the news of your son's passing, I've been searching for words to write to you.  It's pointless really, because there are simply no words that exist for a time such as this one. And yet I find myself aching to say something to you, desperately wanting to be able to offer some sort of comfort in these moments that feel so void and empty.

I woke up in the early hours of this morning in tears. Not just because of the sadness and devastation that yesterday brought, but because I knew the sun would soon be rising. I knew that if you had been able to get any sleep at all last night, that you would soon be waking to another day. My heart broke at the realization that the pain would hit you afresh, that you would be left to wonder how it was possible that the world had somehow gone on spinning, that the sun could be shining as brightly as it always had, that life had continued despite your broken heart.  My tears fell heavier for you.

So many times in my life, I've wondered how people could question if there was a God. Even when Morris died, I never questioned God's existence. I don't know why or how, but somehow my faith got stronger the day we delivered our son. I accepted Morris' death as a part of God's master plan, and I was angry when others struggled with why it had happened. Despite all the pain, I've somehow made peace with it.

Your son's death has been more difficult for me to wrap my head around.  Like so many people, I prayed the bold prayers. In the face of what medicine said was impossible, I asked for and expected nothing less than a miracle.  Yesterday, when the news came, I felt let down. I felt angry. I began to understand how it was possible for someone to lose faith, for someone to simply not believe. For a few hours, I began to question God's existence myself.

Then I remembered the prayer vigil I attended for your family just a few nights ago.  I thought back to those moments, and how as prayers were poured out and songs of praise were lifted up, God's presence and love could be felt so clearly.  I still have no explanation for why a God who can move mountains and calm the seas didn't spare your son, but I know that I believe in Him.  It will be an ongoing battle and struggle, but I pray that your faith will remain strong. There are so many, many prayers being lifted up for you and your family right now.  I'm praying Morris' verse over you:

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:19

The most comforting thing I know to tell you is that your beautiful son has already changed the world.  His impact on this community and beyond is so much greater than his three years on this earth. Thousands of people were touched by his endearing smile, life-size personality, and his sheer willpower.  We got to know him through your words, and I want you to know that I always found a lesson to be learned about how I should live my life in the posts that you shared about him. Thanks to the amazing parents that you are and the love you have for your son, I know his legacy will continue.

Late last night as I went to bed, I saw your post asking how you could live a lifetime without your son. I didn't know what to say then.  But as the sun begins to peek through the clouds this morning, I have only one thought to offer....you don't. You take life second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour.  You focus on getting through one day at a time...thinking about anything beyond that right now is just too overwhelming. Most importantly though, you face every day just as you have for the last 18 months...by being #BradyStrong.

Love,

Keri

Getting Prepared

Sweet Morris,

I haven't written in a while.  I've been thinking about you a lot though. I was traveling for work earlier this week, and I woke up one morning at 3 AM with you instantly on my mind.  For some reason, a memory of being down in the basement with Daddy as he painted the changing table gray and white for your nursery came to mind. I cried thinking about all the love and hard work he put into the room and how we never got to bring you home to it. 

As I'm sitting here typing this letter to you, your brother and sister are busy moving around.  I can actually see my belly moving with each little kick. I think maybe its their way of letting me know they want to say hello to their big brother too.

I've slowly started preparing for the arrival of your siblings.  I haven't been able to bring myself to buy big items we need yet, like a second car seat, crib or double stroller, but I've started collecting clothes and other small items for the babies.  It is a big step for me because I wasn't sure that I would be able to buy anything this time around.  I guess the fact that there are two babies to prepare for has made me change my plans a little. We've already started getting some help from family and friends with several sweet gifts for the twins - custom onesies, soft lovies, hand-knitted sweaters with elephant buttons from your great aunt Nancy, and a few other items.  I hope your brother and sister like elephants! :)

Others who have gone through a loss can probably relate to the difficulty in preparing for another baby/babies after you've lost a baby.  Although I know deep down that buying things or not buying things won't change what's going to happen, it somehow seems safer to wait.  The thought of having to go through and make decisions about baby items again if something were to happen is heartbreaking. 

I used to read and sing to you in the womb, and I've done that a few times for the twins.  I've mostly read books that I never read to you, because it is too emotional to remember the time I spent reading to you.  The first book I tried to read them was one of the books I read often to you, but I couldn't get through it without lots of tears.  Even though I knew I was reading it to these two new babies, it felt like I was reading it to you. I've picked up a few new books for the twins, and I'm working on finding them their own lullaby.

The Sadie Rose Foundation 5k was held last Sunday.  It was a cloudy day with some rain, but there were moments of sunshine too.  Team Moments with Morris had several repeat participants and a few new ones this year. Even though the event wasn't timed this year, Papaw still ran most of the way and made it back early.  I didn't walk, but I was thinking of you!  With the help of the photographer, we captured a few photos of our group and even recreated a few of last year's pictures.  It is neat to see how much your cousin Abigail and our Godson Jackson have changed in this past year.  I guess Mommy looks pretty different too! 

Love and miss you,

Mommy

Fear, Anxiety, Doubt....and Hope

Hi Sweet Boy,

I've been struggling so much with anxiety these last few months.  Carrying new life is exciting and is such a miracle, but it can also be terrifying when you've gone through a loss like ours.  I've heard some loss mommas say that they felt less anxious after passing the milestone of their loss.  For us, that milestone won't come until the very end, when we've delivered healthy babies and can bring them home.

Sometimes I feel guilty for all the fear and anxiety.  I know that I should trust God's plan for us, whatever that is, and know that the fear I feel doesn't come from Him. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7; "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear." 1 John 4:18; "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6  

Still, I struggle.

A few months ago, our Pastor gave a sermon on the importance of reading the scripture.  He talked about how many Christians rely on scripture they've heard quoted and never go straight to the source.  It made me realize how often my own knowledge of scripture comes straight from a morning devotional or similar source. I decided to begin reading the bible all the way through, starting with the New Testament.  The New Testament, being shorter, seems less intimidating.

As I began to read the Gospels, it struck me how often Jesus's disciples were plagued with fear and anxiety. The Gospels are full of amazing stories of the miracles Jesus performed, yet in the middle of these stories are speckled just as many stories of the disciples struggles with fear, worry, and doubt:

• "They came to Jesus and woke Him up, saying, "Master, Master, we are perishing!" And He got up and rebuked the wind and the surging waves, and they stopped, and it became calm. And He said to them, 'Where is your faith?'"Luke 8:24-25
• "Peter said to Him, 'Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water." And He said, "Come!" And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came towards Jesus. But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, 'You of little faith, why did you doubt?'" Matthew 14:28-31
• "While he was still speaking, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and behold, a voice out of the cloud said, 'This is My beloved Son, with whom I am well-pleased; listen to Him!' When the disciples heard this, they fell face down to the ground and were terrified. And Jesus came to them and touched them and said, 'Get up, and do not be afraid.'" Matthew 17:5-7
• After the resurrection, which Jesus had told the disciples would happen over and over:  "That evening the disciples were gathered in a room behind locked doors.  Suddenly Jesus stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you.'  They were afraid and thought they were seeing a ghost.  He said to them, 'Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? See My hands and My feet, that it is I myself. Touch Me and see, because a spirit does not have flesh and bones like you see I have.'" Luke 24:37-39

There was one story (or stories if you will) that particularly struck me though - the stories of Jesus feeding the multitudes.  It begins with story of Jesus feeding 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish, captured in all four of the Gospels:

"As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, 'This is a remote place, and it's already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and by themselves some food.' Jesus replied, 'They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.' 'We only have five loaves of bread and two fish,' they answered. 'Bring them here to me,' He said. And he directed people to sit down on the grass.  Taking the five loaves and two fish and looking up to Heaven, He gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then He gave them to the disciples and the disciples gave them to the people. They all ate until they were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.  The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children." Matthew 14:13-21

Just a few pages later, both Matthew and Mark capture the story of Jesus feeding 4,000 people:

"Jesus called His disciples to Him and said, 'I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have had nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, or they may collapse on the way.' His disciples answered, 'Where could we get enough bread in this remote place to feed such a crowd?' 'How many loaves do you have?' Jesus asked. 'Seven,' they replied, 'and a few small fish.' Matthew 15: 32-34

I read that second passage one morning, and I thought to myself, "Seriously?!  What is wrong with you disciples? Didn't you just see Jesus perform this exact same miracle?  Why not just say to Him, 'Lord, we found some bread so that you can feed this crowd?'

And then it dawned on me - how many times have I done the same thing?  How many times have I worried over something that I've seen God take care of in the past?  How many times have I doubted that he would come through this time?  Like the disciples, I have seen miracle after miracle and still doubt at times that the Lord can handle this next problem or worry in my life. I still forget to stop fretting and start praying.

I've been particularly struggling with anxiety these last few days. This morning is our big ultrasound - the anatomy scan.  It is the first scan where the doctors will be checking the twins development in depth to see if there are any signs of abnormalities, deformities or other problems. If the babies cooperate, we should also get to find out if you are getting little brothers, little sisters, or one of each.  My excitement to see your siblings again and find out what they are is completely lost in the anxiety that something will be wrong.

It is all so scary to me, but I keep reminding myself that God is faithful.  In my darkest hours, He has been there, and I know that no matter what happens, He will still be there. As I've continued to read through the New Testament, I've realized what strong faith many of the disciples developed. Some mornings, as I read their words and think back to the earlier stories I've read, I get the sense that some of them were completely different people after Jesus's resurrection. I guess that shouldn't be surprising, because accepting Jesus's sacrifice makes us completely different people.  Not perfect people, and not people without fear, anxiety or doubt, but different people...people who have hope.

Love,

Mommy

Double Rainbow

Dear Morris,

I haven't written in a while.  There is some news that I've wanted to share with you, but I haven't been ready to share it until now.

A few weeks after our NYC Christmas trip, I was driving to church one morning.  It was lightly raining out that morning, but the sun was brightly shinning.  As I drove, I began looking for a rainbow.  We were right in the middle of Operation Over the Rainbow, so that was on my mind, but I was also secretly hoping for a sign that I might be pregnant with our rainbow baby.  A rainbow baby is a baby conceived after a loss, bringing peace and hope - just like a rainbow appearing in the sky after a terrible storm.  Daddy and I had decided that after our struggle to conceive you and your stillbirth, that we would try to get pregnant on our own for a while before seeking any kind of treatment.  It took us such a long time to conceive you, so we weren't sure what to expect, but I was hopeful.

I didn't see a rainbow on my drive that morning.  When I got to church, I commented to Grami (without sharing why) that I had been disappointed not to see one.  Later that night, she sent me this text:

Three days later, Daddy and I found out we were pregnant.  Morris, you are a big brother!  Just typing that sentence makes me cry.  They are happy tears for new life, but they are also sad tears that you aren't here to share the excitement with us.

It just so happened that Daddy and I had planned to have some pictures taken the Saturday after we found out.  We had planned to pack away your nursery, and I wanted to capture it before we made changes to the room.  We asked the photographer to document the special time with a picture.

Our news doesn't end there though. About two weeks after our positive test, we went in for our confirmation ultrasound. I found myself seeing the very same midwife and ultrasound technician that were with me the morning we found out that you were gone.  When the technician and I saw each other for the first time, we hugged and began to cry.  We settled in for the ultrasound, and she scanned all around.  I held my breath, scared to death she was going to tell me that there was no sign of a baby.  

Instead, she said, "I see two sacs..." 

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"Well, let me take a closer look," she said.  "I see a baby in this sac, and I see a baby in this sac!"  

The tears started for both of us again.  Daddy had a huge grin on his face, but he didn't say a word.  When the technician left to tell the midwife the news, I asked Daddy what he was thinking.  "I had a feeling there were two in there!" he exclaimed. 

We shared the news with our parents and siblings almost immediately.  Since then, we've all talked about how God has been with us in the past year and in these first few months of pregnancy.  Friends at church have been praying for a "double blessing" for us since your death.  Grami sent me that picture of a double rainbow over NY just a few days before we found out we were pregnant.  Aunt Becca had a feeling that she should be praying for a second baby days before we knew there was a second baby. There have been friends who said the moment that we shared the news of our pregnancy with them, they just knew we were having twins. The other day, Grami reminded me of the double rainbow that appeared on the day we dedicated Morris Park last August...August is the same month the twins are likely to make their appearance. 

Morris Park Dedication - August 2015

Some days these things are such clear signs of God's presence in this pregnancy for me, and they provide me with reassurance.  Other days (probably most days if I'm honest) I'm scared to death by the possibility that we could lose these babies too. I find myself anxiously overthinking every twinge and symptom, too nervous to buy or plan for anything, and afraid to dream too much about bringing these babies home.  I know these are normal feelings for someone who has gone through a loss like we have, but it makes me sad that I can't feel the same excitement this time that I felt with you.

All these feelings have been part of the reason I've been waiting to share the news with you. I thought when I got pregnant this time that I would be ready to share the news with the world immediately.  I treasure all the moments that we got to celebrate your life with friends and family because those are the only moments and memories that we have of you.  I know deep down that sharing the news won't make something happen or keep something from happening, but the hardest news in the world to share was the news of your death. The thought of ever having to share news like that again breaks my heart. 

This morning, a friend reached out to me with a Facebook message to tell me that she had heard our happy news from a mutual friend.  This momma is currently laying in a hospital bed beside her sick and fevered toddler, hundreds of miles from home.  I'm sure she has a million things on her mind and her to-do list, but she took a few minutes at 5 AM to send me a note that her family was rejoicing with us over our happy news and that they were praying for us.  Her message reminded me of a bible verse that I read just two days ago during my morning reading:

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15

Everyone reading this letter has mourned with us since your death.  But now is a time for rejoicing and praising God!  We share our stories and lives with one another, the good and bad times, so that those around us can help us celebrate the happy moments and can lift us up in the difficult moments.  The more people who know about your siblings, the more people who can praise God along beside us. The more people who know, the more who can pray for God's peace for Daddy and I throughout this pregnancy, as well as for a healthy pregnancy, a healthy delivery, and most importantly, for healthy babies.  

No matter what happens, you are my firstborn. You hold such a special place in my heart, and you always will. Although we celebrate these two new lives and the hope and joy they bring to our family, we still grieve you.  I found a quote that sums it up perfectly:

"It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with it's aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

Love,

Mommy

One Year

My Sweet Baby,

You've been on my mind so much these last few weeks.  We celebrated your birthday last week. Nisa's Cafe donated a spot for us to celebrate with our close friends and family, and Sweet Nana Cakes donated a beautiful cake in your memory.  The cake contained your name and an elephant with angel wings on top.  It was perfect.  The night was really special to me because it fulfilled a promise that I made to you that the day would always be one of celebration.  As I looked around the room at one point, I noticed that the room was filled with laughter and happiness the way that I hoped it would be when I made the promise a year ago.  When the time came to cut the cake, we sang Happy Birthday to you.  I was worried it might be weird or sad, but Aunt Becca reassured me that you only get one first birthday, even if that birthday is in Heaven.  We sang it loud, and for the most part, without any tears.

The Sunday before your birthday, we held our Operation Over the Rainbow Celebration Day.  So many people came to help us pack Journey Bags and remember you.  When it was all said and done, we collected 170 bags for foster care children...way more than my original goal of 10 bags! God was clearly in the midst of this project, and He provided exactly what we needed at every turn to make this project a success. People contacted me hours after my first post about the project offering to be collection sites. Friends chipped in to help organize and plan pick up of donations and the celebration event. Hundreds of people contributed in the form of full bags and donations. It was an amazing way to remember you on your first still birthday.

A year ago today, just one week after your still birth, I started my blogging journey.  I often re-read that first post, although I remember most of that day by heart. There are some memories that don't need to be written down in order to be captured forever in our hearts.  In so many ways, I believe writing these letters to you has helped me heal.  Some of my early letters were so raw, and in reading them I am reminded of the roller coaster of emotions that this past year brought. But I am also reminded of just how much your life has impacted my life and other's lives for the better.  Just this morning, I saw a quote that said, "When someone dies, you don't get over your grief by forgetting; you get through your grief by remembering."

Our lives are so different from what we thought they'd be a little over a year ago. I often wonder about the future and what it might hold, and it is hard to not feel anxious about it at times. I was feeling particularly anxious last night as I got into bed, so I said a prayer asking for God's peace.  I couldn't sleep, so I got on Facebook for a few minutes.  As I scrolled through the page, quotes and verses like these filled my feed:

"Cast all your worries on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

"Honest cries for help, lifted up to Jesus, will not go unheard. He sees. He knows. He loves."  Lysa TerKeurst

"Stress comes from trying to do it all on our own.  Peace comes from putting it all in God's hands." David Willis

"I will walk by faith even when I cannot see." 2 Corinthians 5:7

"Soak in these words tonight before you go to bed:  God is the solution for every single one of my troubles. God is within me and pefectly equips me to know what to do. God is with me therefore there is nothing I'll face alone. Evidence of His constant work is all around me if only I will choose to see it."  Lysa TerKeurst

So much has happened in one year, and I'm sure this next year holds even more. I am so grateful that God continues to show up for me!

Love,

Mommy

Your first birthday cake - an elephant with angel wings <3

Mommy and Daddy at the Operation Over the Rainbow Celebration

Journey Bags - we collected 170!

The Journey of Grief

Hello Darling,

We are in the final two weeks of Operation Over the Rainbow. This project has been such a huge blessing for Daddy and I, and we have been overwhelmed by the support it has received. I had hoped to have 10 completed Journey Bags, and we already have 20 full bags before collecting or packing items from our donation sites. It just goes to prove that God's plans are always bigger than our own. "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." Proverbs 16:3

We've found such meaning in Operation Over the Rainbow.  For me, this project has been about finding hope in a difficult situation. For others, it's been a way to express gratitude and pay forward the good in their own lives.  Grami told me last night that through Operation Over the Rainbow, she has found symbolism of her own journey this past year.  Much like she imagines children feel about entering foster care, Grami found herself on a journey that she did not want to take this year. This journey of grief has been a difficult and life-changing journey, but through the kindness and compassion of friends, family, and strangers, Grami has managed to keep moving.  She put together two Journey Bags with this in mind.

I couldn't help but peek into many of the Journey Bags we've received so far. I've been blessed by seeing the generosity and creativity of those who have donated to this project. I know that physical items like pajamas and shampoo aren't going to magically take away a child's hurt and fear, but I believe that receiving one of these journey bags will make a difference in a child's life. The content of each bag has been so thoughtfully and uniquely chosen, and it is obvious the love and compassion that went into each and every one.  On our Celebration & Packing Day, we will add a personal note of encouragement and pray over each bag.  I have no doubt that God can do immeasurable good through these contributions. "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is work within us, to Him be the glory." Ephesians 3:20-21

One thing I've learned in this past year is just how polarizing grief can be. I remember wishing that time would pass quickly in the early weeks after your death, wanting so desperately to be free from the severe heaviness and burden grief laid on us in those days.  But as time has passed, the heaviness of that initial grief has turned to a fear that as time passes, the memories I have of you will slip further away. The things we do in your honor, like Operation Over the Rainbow, help to ease that fear because they give us new ways to remember you and ensure you aren't forgotten.

Soon your still birthday will be here. Daddy and I plan to celebrate with close friends and family. There are 364 days a year that seem to revolve around your absence; February 3rd is the one day a year that I want to be completely focused on celebrating your short life.  You are forever loved and missed.

Love,

Mommy

A photo of Mommy & Daddy taken in honor and memory of your upcoming still birthday.

A Person's a Person, No Matter How Small

Sweet Angel,

I woke up early this morning. I laid in bed for a little while, but I couldn't get back to sleep. I got up, made a cup of coffee, and got online.

A year ago, we were busy preparing for your arrival. Last week, I was greeted by Facebook with memories that included photos from the baby shower thrown for us by your daddy's side of the family. This morning, I was greeted with photos from the baby shower Aunt Becca, Grami  and some friends threw us one year ago today. You can't imagine how grateful I am to have had the opportunity to celebrate your life with our friends and family before you were so tragically ripped away.

As hard as it is sometimes to remember how happy we were on those days and to recall all the dreams we had for you as we opened gifts and excitedly talked about names and nurseries, I can't imagine how sad I would be if we hadn't been able to share those moments with our friends and family. A few years ago, a friend of mine miscarried before she was able to share the news of her pregnancy with her close friends. I'll never forget the email she sent to me and a few others afterwards to share the sad news and to let us know that next time she would be sharing the good news immediately. I don't know if I really understood her desire then, but I understand it so well now. Life, no matter how brief, deserves to be recognized and celebrated.

One of the photos that showed up in my Facebook memories today was of one of the decorated tables from my book-themed baby shower.  I cried when I saw it:

This table seems to almost be foreshadowing events to come - an elephant in the center of the table sits next to the quote, "A person's a person, no matter how small."  Just a little over three weeks from my shower, you were born still at 36 weeks gestation. You were a perfectly-formed person, with the tiniest nose, mouth, fingers and toes. A small stuffed elephant, the last baby gift we received before you were born, became our symbol for you in the coming weeks.  

The quote comes from the book "Horton Hears a Who."  In the book, Horton the Elephant hears a small speck of dust talking to him while splashing in a pool. He surmises that a small person lives on the speck, so he places it on a clover and vows to protect it. He later discovers that a whole community called Whoville lives on the speck. The Mayor of Whoville asks Horton to protect them from harm, and Horton happily takes on the duty, proclaiming throughout the book, "A person's a person, no matter how small."

In his mission to protect the speck, Horton is ridiculed by the other animals in the jungle for believing in and trying to protect something that they can't see or hear.  As he continues his efforts to protect the speck, others ridicule his odd behaviors, and they even steal the speck from him at one point in the story. When Horton finds it, he implores the Whos living on the speck to make as much noise as possible. Finally, one tiny shirker named JoJo lets out a loud, "Yopp!" which allows the other jungle animals to hear the Whos. Convinced of the Whos' existence, the jungle animals vow to help Horton protect Whoville.

There is a quote about grieving mothers that says, "A mother instinctively protects her child. A grieving mother instinctively protects her child's memory."  I know that in trying to protect your memory, my actions might seem odd to some people. There are those who probably don't understand why I take photos with a stuffed animal, why I write letters to a child that isn't here, and why I would want to celebrate your still birthday with a party. I used to be someone who cared about what those people thought, and the truth is, sometimes I still am.  But like many bereaved mothers, I know firsthand that "a person's a person, no matter how small," and so I will honor and remember you in whatever way makes me feel like your mother. I am blessed to have a whole community of family and friends who understand me, support me, and do what they can to help me protect your memory.

We've been collecting items to fill Journey Bags for children in foster care in honor of your upcoming still birthday. Daddy and I have been overwhelmed by the amazing support of this project, which we've named Operation Over the Rainbow.  You may have been born small and still, but you have had a big and moving impact on us.

Love,

Mommy

Over the Rainbow

Dear Friends and Family,

Eleven months ago today, Ryan and I learned that our sweet baby had left us.  Our lives were shattered on that day. I remember everything that happened that morning, right up until the moment when the ultrasound technician looked at me with sad, sad eyes and uttered the words, "Keri, I'm so sorry, but I have to tell you some difficult news..." Walking out of that ultrasound room and down the hall felt like an out of body experience. I remember coming home and laying on the floor of the nursery with Ryan, where we held each other and sobbed for at least an hour. The rest of the day is a blur.

Today's date means that in one month and one day, we will celebrate Morris' one year still birthday.  I say "celebrate" because that's what I promised Morris we would do on the morning we said goodbye. As I rocked him, I kissed his head and stroked his check. I promised him that every year on February 3rd, we would try our hardest to make it happiest day possible, just as we did the day we delivered him.

Ryan and I have been thinking for a while about what special thing we could do in Morris' honor for his still birthday. A while back, I learned about an organization here in our community called Foster Love Ministries. Their mission is to bring hope, love and joy to our local foster care community by partnering with churches, community members, and folks like you and me.  I spent several years serving as a volunteer for CASA for Kids advocating for children in foster care system so the mission of this organization really touched me. 

One of the outreach projects that Foster Love Ministries helps coordinate is collecting items for "journey bags" that can be given to children who are entering foster care. Children often come into foster care with nothing but the clothes on their back. Journey bags are backpacks filled with personal and comfort items that these children can call their own when they are abruptly taken out of their homes. The goal of a journey bag is to bless these kids and let them know that they are loved, prayed for and remembered, but the journey bag can also be a blessing to the foster care family. 

A friend of mine became a foster parent a few months ago. She told me about how the few weeks old baby they received came with only the outfit she was wearing - the clothes that the social department had on hand to send were either too big or too little to fit. My friend only had two hours notice that she needed to pick up the baby, and she hadn't had any idea of the age or gender of the child she would be receiving prior to the call.  As Ryan and I choose some of Morris' things to gift to this sweet baby, it confirmed to me that collecting journey bags would be a perfect way to honor Morris on his still birthday.

I haven't shared much about the private moments we spent saying goodbye to Morris. Honestly, I've wanted to keep them to myself. But this morning in the shower, as I thought back to that day and remembered one of my favorite moments with Morris, it gave me inspiration for our journey bag project.

On the day we said goodbye to Morris, I remember singing softly to him as I rocked him.  The very last song that I sang to him that morning was my favorite lullaby, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow".  Tears streamed down my face, and my voice must have cracked a thousand times, but it seemed like the perfect way to say goodbye to my angel:

"Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue

And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Away above the chimney tops

That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why then, oh why can't I?"

Our sweet little boy is somewhere over the rainbow.  These sweet foster children, well, I hope and pray that they are on their way to finding their own rainbow.  With that in mind, I've decided to name our project of collecting journey bags, "Operation Over the Rainbow".  

We'll be collecting items for the next month to deliver to Foster Love Ministries the week of Morris' still birthday.  I'll be setting up a Facebook page with a list of the items we are collecting. If you feel led and are able, I hope you'll join us. You can donate one item, several items, or fill up an entire journey bag. I know whatever you can do will be so appreciated by the children and families who receive a bag.  I'll share on the Facebook page some ways that you can get your items to us for donation.

Thank you for your part in helping us celebrate Morris' life and his one year still birthday.  We love you all so much!

Love,

Keri