If someone had asked me a year ago to share my testimony, I'm embarrassed to say that I don't know what I would have said. I grew up in church, I accepted Christ at an early age, and I up until now, my life has been pretty great. I actually used to pray that God wouldn't give me one of those testimonies...one of those testimonies that I might feel obligated to share. When I was anxious about finding a job out of college...God, please don't let unemployment be my testimony. When we struggled to conceive you...God, please don't let infertility be my testimony. When your papaw was undergoing tests and the "C" word was mentioned...God, please don't let losing my dad to cancer be my testimony. I didn't want to be someone with a "powerful" testimony, someone with a story of how something terrible had happened in my life and God had gotten me through.
I am ashamed to say that it took losing you to make me realize that I've always had a powerful testimony. For the 32 years before I lost you, God was actively doing things in my life. I struggled here and there with small things, but nothing that seemed major. Because my life seemed more like a fairy tale than a horror story, I didn't think my story was poetic enough to share. Why is it that we often wait for something terrible to happen or almost happen in our lives before we feel like we can share what God has done for us? It is like we believe that unless our story is tragic, unless it comes with some measurable pain, heartache or anxiety, it isn't worth being told. As one prayer after another is answered and nothing bad happens to us, we lose track of the all things God has done in our lives and we forget about the details. Oh sure, we say things like "I am blessed" and "God is good" when our lives are going well, but the truth is, we often say them as a happy expression. It isn't that we don't believe those things to be true, it is just that some of us don't believe those things are really our testimony. We don't believe that God can really use a story that comes without the drama of a daytime talk show to do anything significant. When someone asks us to share our testimony, we gulp and try to think back to the last important thing God did for us that might seem meaningful to the person asking, something that will pull at their heartstrings and make our God seem big.
But our God is already big. He is big even in the little things. He can use all the parts of our story that to us seem too insignificant to share. It must be so frustrating to him. I imagine that he looks down at all of us and wonders, "Don't they get it? Don't they get that I don't need them to orchestrate a beautiful story to tell in order for me to be able to use it?" To God, all of our stories are significant, and he knows someone who needs to hear each one. If we let him, he will use our story. Even the stories that don't include being unemployed or being infertile or having cancer or losing a child. Even the stories that have no tragedy in them at all.
I don't think I'm the only one who has ever had this misconception that my testimony wasn't valid if it didn't come with a big parade and fireworks. I think I'm writing this letter as much for others as I am for you and me. Maybe in the hopes that the next time one of them says, "What a powerful testimony!" to someone else, they'll look inside and realize that they have a powerful testimony too.
Morris, when someone asks me what my testimony is now, I hope I remember that my testimony isn't just about you. Yes, you are an amazing part of my story, and I know in my heart that God has big plans to use you. He is already using you. But my testimony is so much bigger than just what God is doing for me today. God has done and will continue to do great things in my life, and some of those things will come without all the tragedy and heartache that make for a good story. So if you look down and see me overlooking something God has done or is doing in my life that should be part of my testimony, please give my heart a little tug so I don't miss it.
Love,
Mommy
No comments:
Post a Comment