Unqualified

Hi Pumpkin,

I've had a good first two days back at work. Every once in a while, I'll realize that I haven't thought about you for a little while. Oddly enough, I don't feel guilty about this like I thought I might. Thank you for letting me have a peace about it.

In the past week, I've had two people tell me that their relationship with God has been changed through our story and my letters to you. To think that someone's faith could be impacted by me is laughable. I am a girl who has only a handful of scriptures memorized, and I probably couldn't give you the reference for a few of those. I am a girl who usually misses part of what the pastor is saying because I am still fumbling to find the passage in the bible that he just referenced. I am a girl who sometimes goes a whole day without remembering to pray. I am a girl who often chooses to catch up on the episode of Grey's Anatomy I missed instead of taking the time to do a daily devotional.

If I had known that God might use me to speak to others in some way, I would have been better prepared. I would have equipped myself. I would have read my bible more, and I definitely would have prayed more. But I think that sometimes unprepared people are God's favorite kind of people to use. It is the David and Goliath story. Saul on the road to Damascus. By using someone so unqualified, so unworthy really, it is clear that the work He is doing could only be done by Him. And as an added bonus, it gives the person He is using the desire to become better equipped.

I've realized that God doesn't need me to be perfect; the only thing that He needs me to do in order for Him to be able to use me is to obey. To pay attention when I feel the Holy Spirit nudging me. It is that simple and that complicated. For someone who has always worried about what others think about her, sharing my heart so honestly and openly is difficult. But losing you has made me realize how little it matters what other people think of me. I have the courage and freedom to say things and to do things that I would have shied away from before. So despite all the things I lost when I lost you, I guess I gained something too.

Love,

Mommy