It is strange how one's concept of time changes after a great loss. I haven't looked at a calendar in weeks, but I find myself counting down the days and weeks relative to the events surrounding you. Yesterday was 3 weeks from the day we learned you were gone. Next Tuesday will be 4 weeks from the day we saw your beautiful face for the first time. The Wednesday after that will be 5 weeks from the day that we had to say goodbye to you.
I've also noticed that I assign things into categories - things we did or that happened while you were still alive and things we've done or that have happened since your death. Someone else who lost a child warned me about this, although I had noticed myself doing it before she mentioned it. The last time we did such and such Morris was alive. This is the first time we've been here or there since Morris died. I find myself thinking this way about the simplest things...like the first time we get off a particular exit on interstate or the first time I go into a particular store. Your daddy tells me to try not to think that way because he knows it causes me pain, but it happens subconsciously and I usually only catch myself after the thought is out.
Doing something for the first time since your death is always hard for me. It's like ripping off a band-aid - working up the courage to do it takes time. Once I've done it though, I can face doing it again and the pain lessens each time. There are things that I've done for the first time since your death that only God could have given me the courage and strength to do. Just a week after your delivery, I walked down the halls of the doctor's office and past the ultrasound room for the first time since they told me you were gone. Later that same week, I walked into the hospital where we said our goodbyes to you so that I could visit your great-grandfather. "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3.
There are things that I wonder if I'll ever do again without thinking of you. The day before I knew you were gone, I went to church, to Costco, to the grocery store, and watched the Superbowl. I don't know exactly when you passed away that day, and I'll always wonder where I was and what I was doing in that moment when you drifted away from us forever. I hope that what they say is true and that time will ease the pain, but I don't think that the Superbowl commercials will ever be as funny to me as they once were.
My best friend's baby had surgery yesterday. She sent me a beautiful text telling me that she had said a prayer and asked God to send you as a special Guardian Angel to watch over him. She wanted to remind me that you have a great purpose. It meant so much to me. I sent up my own prayer right then and asked God to give you lots of important jobs to do in heaven. You have already made us so proud.
Love,
Mommy
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