Milestones

Hi Darling,

I was caught off guard last week by another "first". Your daddy and I were out to eat, waiting to be seated, when we ran into someone we don't know well and hadn't seen in a few months. I knew the moment that I saw this person's face that he didn't know about you. I braced myself for the question that I knew was coming, and even so, it still felt like a punch in the gut when he asked about you. Your daddy smiled a sad smile and told him you were gone. As the person profusely apologized for our loss, I felt terrible for him and for us. I held it together until he left, and then I excused myself to the bathroom to cry. I thought by now everyone knew about you, but I guess I should have expected that we might run into someone one day who hadn't heard the terrible news. I hope there is no one else left.

Tomorrow will be three months from the day that I delivered you. Maybe some people find it weird that I refer to that day as your birthday when you weren't born alive, but it isn't weird to me. You may have been stillborn, but you were still born. And just like I would have done if you had been born alive, I find myself counting down the milestones from your birthday...one month, two months, three months. I definitely would have been one of those moms with a Facebook photo of you for every milestone you hit. I don't know if it would have been pictures of you with stickers or with blocks or with a chalkboard, but I have no doubt that I would have found a cute way to mark each and every occasion.

I try not to dwell on the time I won't have with you or the things I won't get to do with you too often or for too long. Doing so leads to a pit of despair and sadness, a pit so deep and dark that it is hard to climb my way out of it. Instead, your daddy and I try our hardest to focus on the time we were given with you, to celebrate and be grateful for the precious few moments we had together as a family.

While we won't get to mark tomorrow in the way that I wish we could, Daddy and I did something this morning to celebrate your three month milestone. We planted some purple flowers (the color of your birthstone) and made a special place for a beautiful memorial bench that we were given. Just like the painting Gramy gave us that is hanging in the entry way, your bench will serve as reminder to everyone who enters our home that you are forever loved and missed.

Love,

Mommy