Keep Moving

My Darling Boy,

Today is a special little boy's third Angelversary. His momma came back into my life when I lost you, driving hours the week you passed away to bring me dinner and give me a hug in person.  God loves a celebration, and I bet there is quite the party going on up there for sweet Jameson.  My heart smiles for him and breaks for his mommy at the thought.

Gramy and I went to a Sadie Rose Foundation meeting the other night.  As we drove home, we talked about how hard it is to live without someone as precious as you.  We talked about people we know whose lives have been marred with far more tragedy and heartbreak than our own.  We wondered, "How is it possible to go on living in these situations?"  Finally, Gramy answered, "We just keep moving."

We keep moving. We don't move on, because that would imply that we are leaving something behind. We don't move forward, because that would imply a focus on only the future. We just keep moving. We get out of bed, even on the hard days. We put one foot in front of the other. We push ourselves to enjoy the time spent with family and friends, even when our heart is breaking because someone we love is missing.  We rely on God to get us through each day.

I saw something recently that said, "Grief never ends...it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay."  I don't know if I agree with the first part...Does grief change or do we change?  I tend to think the latter. Almost four months have passed since your death, and there are moments when grief hits me with the same intensity and force as it did the day I said goodbye to you. I've heard this to be true from people who said their goodbyes years ago. I've become more adaptable though; I've found techniques to get me through the grief when it comes. I do agree with the second part...grief is not a place we can stay. We keep moving not because it is the brave thing to do (although it is), and not because it is what is expected of us (although it is), but because it is the only thing that we can do. If we stop moving for too long, the realization of what we have lost comes closing in on us. It sucks out all the air and crushes our spirit. Keep moving is our survival tactic.

Grief is a like a chronic illness. We live with it every day. Some days are good days, and we look back at the end of those days amazed at what we were able to accomplish despite our illness. Other days are bad days, days that come with pain so debilitating we wonder how much more we can take. While others with some sort of chronic illness hope and pray for a cure for their illness, we just hope and pray for some relief from ours. Our cure will never come in this lifetime. We just have to keep moving until the next lifetime comes.

Love,

Mommy