Lists

Hi Sweet Boy,

In my last letter, I was telling you about all the bad things happening in the world and how I still had a fairly positive outlook on things. Early Tuesday morning though, a tragedy occurred in our small and quiet neighborhood that briefly changed my optimism to pessimism. Although our interaction with the particular neighbors involved in this tragedy was limited to the occasional hello, I was really shook up by the event. It felt like one more bad thing being piled on top of an already terrible year. I made a mental list of every horrible thing that has happened this year to me or someone around me, and by lunchtime, I had a very long list. My list made me feel bitter, sad and hopeless.

Later that evening, our up the street neighbor (the friend who would have been your nanny) came over. As we sat on the deck and chatted, I told her that I felt like aside from our Godson Jackson's recent birth, absolutely nothing good has happened in 2015. My friend didn't use one of those 'at least' or 'you should be grateful' statements to make me feel guilty about the pity party I was throwing for myself, but she didn't join in on the fun either. She simply said, "Abigail (your cousin) learned to walk this year...that is something else good that happened." Her simple statement got me thinking, and I started a new list yesterday...a list of all the good things that have happened this year. Before I had even finished drinking my morning coffee, I had a list that was just as long, if not longer than my other list.

You see, I had what happened to you on the list of bad things the other day. But in my glass half-empty mindset, I forgot that you happened. It was a huge oversight on my part, and it devastates me that I let my sadness cause me to overlook the joy you brought to this year even for a minute. I am so grateful for friends who remind me what I've said over and over again to them about the importance of finding joy in the midst of tragedy. Friends who keep me focused on making it through one day at a time so that I am not overwhelmed thinking about all the years I might have to live without you. Friends that remind me that my purpose as your mother is to make sure your legacy of love lives on through my thoughts and actions. 

Being sad is a normal part of the healing process. Even Jesus, knowing that he would raise Lazarus from the dead, wept for his friend's life and for the heartache endured by his friends (John, chapter 11).  We've all heard that story a million times. What I hadn't really paid attention to before now though is that Jesus' miracle of raising Lazarus from the dead is really the beginning of what leads to his crucifixion. Just a few chapters later, we read about Jesus praying in the garden before his arrest.

It occurs to me during this time in his life, Jesus' list should have been full of bad things. He should have felt bitter, sad and hopeless. And maybe he did feel that way sometimes, but he didn't let his list or those feelings stop him from fulfilling his purpose. It is a lesson that I really want to take to heart. In the face of terrible agony and heartache, Jesus used his time not to complain or throw a pity party, but to lift up those around him and to remind them of their purpose (John, chapters 14-16). He prayed for his disciples, and he then he prayed (John 17:20-23):

"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one - I in them and you in me - so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me."

I think the other day was the first time that I read this passage and really realized that Jesus was praying for me too when he said, "I pray also for those who will be believe in me through their message...". I'm going to put that realization on the "Good Things that Happened this Year" list.

Love,

Mommy