Faking Faith

Hi Baby Boy,

There is a country song about the loss of a loved one that opens with these lines:

"Sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat. I feel you everywhere I go."

This morning, for the first time, I really understood those words. When I walked out the door this morning, the sun beamed down on me, and I could tell that it was the start of a glorious day. It was the kind of morning that would have made me feel on top of the world just a few months ago. But this morning, as I stood there in the sun's warmth and took in the beauty surrounding me, all I felt was hurt. I wondered, "How can the sun burn as brightly today as it did in the days before you were gone?"

It seems cruel that the sun could go on shining, exactly as it always has, oblivious to the fact that the world is missing someone as beautiful and precious as you. Sometimes I find myself angry, not just because you are gone, but because my innocence has been lost. Angry because being an optimist used to come easy for me, but now it is a struggle. Angry because I know that my innocence is not something that I'm likely to get back.

I think about having another child one day, God-willing, and I know that I won't have the same happy anticipation and glow with the next pregnancy that I did while I was carrying you. I see a woman somewhere with her hand resting happily on her growing bump, and I know that I'll never feel the way that she is feeling in that moment ever again. I've lost the ability to be blissfully unaware to the possibility the child I'm carrying might not come home. The next time, if there is one, my hand won't rest on my tummy as an act of love for my unborn child, but in a desperate act of protection.

Some days, like today, my troubles seem so big and my faith seems so small. On these days, I try to keep in mind a phrase that I've heard used in the business world, "You have to fake it until you make it." I think it can be an applicable phrase for our faith too. In those moments when we aren't sure what we believe anymore, we have to keep telling ourselves we believe in the promises Jesus made us. When our words don't come easy and the songs we sing feel empty, we have to force ourselves to continue offering up praise and thanks to God. When we feel like no one is listening, we have to repeatedly lift up our prayers.

Faith can be a constant struggle in the midst of so much pain and heartache. But at least for me, I've found that faking faith can lead to finding real faith again.

Love,

Mommy