Today is the day that we celebrate mothers. You being gone doesn't change my status as a mother. I've received so many wonderful reminders of that in the last few days - cards, sweets and flowers - sent by amazing family and friends who aren't about to let me forget that I deserve to be celebrated on this day too. I appreciate it more than they know.
You were still born; I am still a mother. I say it to myself often, sometimes repeating it to myself in the moments when I am overwhelmed by the things things that I'll never do for you as your mommy. Offering it up like a silent prayer in the moments when I am hurt by the things that I'll never get to know about you. Some days, as hard as I try, the reminders of what won't be are all around me.
I won't change a thousand diapers or wake up for 3 AM feedings. I won't get to see your first steps or see you dig into your birthday cake for the first time. I won't kiss away boo-boos or wipe away boogers. I won't know your favorite color or the food you hate. I won't see you play baseball or hooky from school. I won't watch you walk across the graduation stage or down the aisle. There are a lifetime of won'ts, and those hurt more than you could know. But they don't make me less of a mother.
No, at the end of the day, the won'ts don't have anything to do with it. It's the got-to's that make me your mommy.
I got to cry happy tears with your daddy when we saw those two beautiful blue lines. I got to start dreaming and planning for you. I got to carry you for eight wonderful months. I got to hear your heartbeat and feel you do somersaults inside of me. I got to argue about names with Daddy and put together a special nursery just for you. I got to sing to you and read stories to you. I know things about you, like the fact that you were an early bird and you loved hearing music. I've seen your beautiful face, a face that would have carried your daddy's smile if it could. I held you for a few life-changing hours.
Yesterday I saw a painting done by a local artist, Lisa Geiman. We have one of her paintings hanging in our entry way to honor you. The painting I saw yesterday though is what triggered me to remember all the got-to's. On it was this quote:
"A Mother's Love begins before we can remember...surrounding us with warmth and joy...and forever blooming in our hearts."A mother's love begins the moment, often even before, we know about our baby. It doesn't matter if our baby ever lives outside our womb. The warmth and joy of our love is felt from the inside. It doesn't matter if our baby lives weeks, months or years. A mother's love outlasts the amount of time spent together. It is the love we have for our precious children, not the things that we do for them, that makes us a mother. And one thing I can promise you sweet baby...I have more love for you than you could possibly imagine.
Love,
Mommy
Painting by Lisa Geiman
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