I took your cousin Rafe to see an animated Pixar movie called Inside Out last week. The movie centers around a little girl named Riley and what goes on inside of her head. There are five characters inside Riley's head - Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger and Fear - and together they man the "control panel" of Riley's brain. As they take turns operating the panel, Riley experiences each emotion. The memories Riley creates are colored by whatever emotion was operating her brain's control panel at the time.
As the movie begins, we see that Riley's memories are mostly colored by Joy. Joy seems to like it that way, and she considers herself pretty successful in ensuring Riley's happiness. But not long into the movie, Riley goes through a major life change, and Sadness takes over the controls. Joy doesn't like the impact that Sadness has on their sweet girl. She is pretty upset when Sadness manages to create a memory. From that point on, Joy does everything she can to keep Sadness away from the control panel. For a while, Joy's distraction allows Disgust, Fear and Anger to take over.
Finally, Joy realizes that Sadness has an important role in Riley's life. She encourages Sadness to take over the controls, allowing Riley to express her true feelings. Then, Joy places her hand on Sadness' hand, and they operate the panel together. In that moment, they create a pivotal memory for Riley - a memory that is mingled with both joy and sadness.
My experiences and memories will always be tinged with some sadness. How could they not be when you are missing from them? CS Lewis once said about his wife's death, "Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." If I had read that quote before you died, I doubt I would have understood it. I get it now. Your absence is so profound; it touches every aspect of my life.
Saturday marked 5 months since we said our goodbyes. It seemed appropriate that Saturday's sky was illuminated by fireworks. Fireworks are these spectacular bursts of color that light up the sky with a loud bang and then fade from sight as quickly as they appeared. If you look closely after a firework disappears though, you can still see its imprint in the sky. In that way, they remind me of you.
Love,
Mommy
Smith Mountain Lake Firework Show
July 4, 2015
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