I've been traveling for work this week, and I just got home last night. Grief hit me out of the blue twice on my trip.
The first time, I was driving into a torrential downpour. The next thing I knew my tears were coming as fast and as hard as the rain. I think when the heavens are downcast and weeping, it's only natural to feel like crying too.
The second time grief took me by surprise was yesterday as I was leaving the airport. I came down the escalator headed to catch the parking shuttle; I was in a hurry to get on the road before the evening traffic got too heavy. But as I approached the exit, a family reunion caught my eye. There was a couple with a baby boy that was being reunited with his grandmother. The grandmother had happy tears in her eyes as she spoke sweetly to her grandson, "Look how big you've gotten! You are such a beautiful boy. Grandma loves you!" It hit me that I'd never get to hear Gramy say those words to you. The tears streamed down my face before I could catch them.
When I got home, two items I ordered that reminded me of you had arrived. They are both items with elephants on them. I've lately become obsessed with things with elephants - clothing, jewelry, little stuffed animals. I've shared with you about the little gray elephant that has become a symbol for you. It was the last gift we received before you were born, given to us on the day before we found out that you were gone. It came with a soft green blanket with gray trim. I instantly loved the set. A few weeks after you died, I took the blanket, elephant and a few other things to have your name embroidered on them. I gave the soft green blanket to Jackson (it has your name on one end and his name on the other), and I kept the elephant with your name on the ear. He usually sits on the rocking chair in your nursery, and when I'm feeling particularly down, I find comfort in sitting in your nursery and holding him tightly.
I told Gramy not long ago that I thought it was perfect that an elephant had become your symbol because "an elephant never forgets", and you will never be forgotten. She agreed that there was poetry in the little elephant's meaning.
I got to wondering where the saying "an elephant never forgets" comes from. I did a little research online, and it turns out that elephants really do have fantastic memories. I read an article about two elephants who became very excited when introduced to one another. Their handlers did some research, and it turns out that those two elephants had been together some 22 years earlier for just a few short months. There are other stories documenting how elephants can keep track of up to 30 of their family members/herd.
You never had the chance to see my face, and I've often wondered if you will recognize me when I get to heaven. I read in my research that elephants can recognize their family members without seeing their faces...they can identify their family members from just their scent and their voice. Now I don't think it is a coincidence that the little gray elephant was given to us or that it has become a symbol for you. I think it is God's way of reassuring me that you will be as happy to see me on the day we are reunited as I will be to see you. You'll recognize Grammy too, and it just dawns on me that I will get to hear her exclaim wonderful words of love and affection to you one day. I'm sure that all three of us are looking forward to that glorious day.
Love,
Mommy
"As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you." Isaiah 66:13
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