When we lose someone we love, no matter the circumstance, there is so much guilt. We feel guilty about the things we did and the things we said. We feel guilty about the things we didn't do and the things we didn't say. We are barely keeping our heads above water as it is, and guilt comes at us like the relentless pounding of waves in a storm, threatening to take us under.
I have quietly wrestled with guilt since the moment they told me you were gone. I have agonized about mistakes I might have made in my pregnancy that could have caused your death. Did I travel too much in those first several weeks of my pregnancy? Did I eat something unsafe? Did I miss signs that something was wrong? Could I have done something in the days before your death to save you? How could I not know that you were dying? Did you suffer in any way? Should we have had a formal memorial ceremony? Is there something more we should be doing to honor your memory?
Up till now, I have been afraid to write down these oppressive questions, worrying that writing them down might somehow give them credence. I've wondered if others might be asking themselves some of these same questions, and I have imagined the worst about what they think the answers might be. While I have not personally experienced it very often (thank God), I have heard stories of just how judgmental people can be from friends that I've made on this journey.
This guilt I've felt is hard to reconcile with what I know about God, and so I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I believe God gave us the ability to feel guilt for a reason. It serves a purpose. Guilt motivates us to remove and repent the sin in our lives. It implores us to ask forgiveness from those we've hurt and from God. But this guilt that I've felt since your death - it serves no Godly purpose. Even when we've sinned, when our guilt is justified, scriptures tell us that our transgressions are wiped away and our guilt resolved through the blood of Christ. So it begs the question of why God would want us to feel guilty over something that was out of our control. The answer is that He wouldn't. The enemy, however, would like nothing more than for our guilt to consume us and drive a wedge between us and God.
On Friday, Daddy and I went to the annual Sadie Rose Picnic. We were joined by several members of our family and friends. Most of us wore our "Moments with Morris" t-shirts in your honor. After everyone had eaten, we went outside and released balloons in memory of our sweet angels. My balloon held more than just a message to you. I said a little prayer before I released it, and I asked God to take all the guilt I've felt since your death with that balloon. Just a few minutes later, the heavens responded by releasing a torrential downpour. I offered up a prayer of thanksgiving, and I let those raindrops wash away what was left of my guilt.
Love,
Mommy
Our messages on their way to you
"In memory of Morris...Love Pa Pa"
"Gramy loves you Morris!"
"Love you forever Morris!" (Aunt Becca & Uncle Dustin)
"My Cousin Morris" (with some scribbled artwork - Cousin Abigail)
"In Memory of Morris K. Rankin, February 3, 2015" (Cousin Ava)
"We love you Morris! Papaw, Mamaw & Aunt Judy"
"Morris, We miss you so very much. We will take care of your Daddy and Mommy until they are with you or we are. Love your BFF and your Mommy's BFF"
"Sweet Morris...Mommy & Daddy miss you so very much, and we love you more than you could know. Our hearts feel incomplete without you, and we can't wait for the day we will see you again."
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