Beam Me Up

Hi Sweetpea,

I've been feeling pretty good lately. Then yesterday, out of the blue, I had a really emotional day. My friend Stephanie (Jackson's mom) came back to work from maternity leave, and her return surfaced a lot of emotions and memories for me that I hadn't expected. I thought about her having to leave Jackson for the first time, and that made me think about the first and only time I had to leave you. The water works started, and as hard as I tried, I just couldn't pull myself together. I ended up coming home and working remotely for the rest of the day.

Stephanie showed up around lunchtime to check on me.  It shows the kind of friend she is that on one of her most difficult days, she was worried about me. We shared conversation, tears, laughter and lunch on the back deck. Like I usually am after a visit with her, I was in a much better place when she left. Coincidentally, I found out later that yesterday was National Best Friend Day.

I've been working to create my own little oasis on the deck. The sunshine, warm breeze, flowers, view of the mountains, and sound of birds chirping...it is healing in a lot of ways. I guess it reminds me of the beauty I found in you. Gramy bought me a sign that says, "When someone we love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure." I hung it over one of the wicker chairs.

There are now five little blue eggs in Momma Bird's nest. Daddy laughs at how obsessed I am with checking the nest. He says if I don't stop scaring Momma Bird away, these eggs may never hatch. I asked him if he could rig up a security camera we have so that I can watch the nest without disturbing her. I decided when the little eggs hatch, I will name them after you and a few of your friends in heaven.

I miss you so much. Some days, like yesterday, my arms physically ache to hold you again. I wish so desperately I could see you, even if just for a minute. I came across this song (music can also be healing) that says it so well:

"Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter
I think a minute's enough,
Just beam me up"
(Beam Me Up, Pink)

Of course, a minute isn't really enough. Forever is the only amount of time that will ever be enough. The bible says,"Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand (James 5:7-8)."  I've never been a patient person Morris, but I'm trying hard to be one now.

Love,

Mommy