Well, another first is behind us. We had our big family Easter dinner yesterday. It was the first family gathering we've had since you passed away. Our family waited a week to have it since we were in Texas on the actual holiday. I think our celebration not being on the actual holiday made it easier. There were difficult moments, and I held back tears when your papaw said the blessing, but it was a beautiful day overall.
I took my camera with me. I just felt like it would be somehow less shocking to me if I was the one to take our first pictures as a family without you in them. I took the stuffed elephant that I had monogrammed with your name, and when we took a big family photo, I held it in my arms. It warms my heart to look at the picture and know that while you aren't physically in it, you aren't missing from it either.
The night before we went to the hospital to deliver you, your daddy and I argued about bringing the camera with us. Your daddy wasn't sure we should bring it and that angered me. It wasn't like he was adamant about it or anything, it was just that when I asked him to make sure it got packed, he hesitated and said that he wasn't sure it was a good idea. I instantly started crying and yelling at him. I know that he only wanted to protect me; he was worried that taking pictures might be too hard on me. I didn't know what you would look like at that point, or even if you would be a boy or a girl, but I knew that the day I left the hospital couldn't be the last time that I ever saw your face. We are so glad we have those pictures of you now.
After we delivered you, your daddy shared with me another reason that he hadn't been sure we should bring the camera. He told me that he knew that there would be people who weren't comfortable seeing your picture, and he knew how much that would devastate me. He said that there would be people who wouldn't see you the way that we see you...so beautiful and perfect. I can't keep the tears from falling as I type this, but I know that he is right. There are people who won't understand. People who will find it too hard to look at a photo of a baby who wasn't born alive. People who will look at your picture and not feel the overwhelming love that we do when we look at you. The thought absolutely breaks my heart.
That's why I'll never forget what our good friend Jamie did the day we got home from the hospital. I should call her "framily" really, because we consider her a friend that is part of our family. But anyway, the day we came home, she was our first visitor. She burst into our house, plopped down on the couch beside me, and with tears in her eyes asked if she could see your picture. I don't think your daddy has ever been more grateful to someone in his entire life than he was to Jamie in that moment, and I couldn't have been more proud to share you with her.
I learned yesterday that many of our family members are displaying pictures of you in their home. It makes my heart feel full to know that they see you in the same way that your daddy and I do, although I don't know why I am surprised by this. I know that they love you so much, and that they are devastated that you are gone. But something about yesterday confirmed to me that I should do something I've been thinking about doing for the last few weeks. I decided to add a page of pictures on my blog and to share a few pictures of you and your nursery in the hopes that other people, maybe even people I've never met, will be blessed by seeing your precious face and the room we so lovingly designed for you. I know that everyone who loves your daddy and I will love you too.
Love,
Mommy
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