A week or so ago, I had a conversation with Gramy about how insensitive many of us can be to other's grief. The conversation was sparked by a post that was made on the page of an organization that supports those affected by child loss. The post was from a woman reaching out to say that she had lost a baby due to stillbirth several years ago, and that her husband didn't understand why she wasn't able to move on after having other children.
While some respondents offered the support and advice she was looking for, her post was also met with many comments like: "You should be thankful that you have other children.", "I lost a 22 year old son, and that is much more difficult than losing a baby you never knew.", "Trust me, a miscarriage is nothing like losing an adult child." I read these comments with tears streaming down my face. Although the positive comments outnumbered the negative ones, I was beyond hurt to think that someone might refer to you as a "miscarriage" or as "a baby I never knew." Gramy and I talked about the insensitive things that we have heard or been told in the last few months, and we agreed that some people just don't understand.
But after thinking about it, I think the problem is deeper than just not understanding. It goes beyond the way that people deal with a situation like the loss of the child. The world's insensitivity touches every type of grief and can come from a place full of good intentions, but also from a place of selfishness, bitterness, and anger. I have been guilty of insensitivity of both types in my lifetime.
Well-intentioned insensitivity is easy to recognize. It often involves sentences that start with words like "at least" and "be thankful". These comments are usually not intended to be hurtful, but they come across as minimizing something that someone else is going through. Usually when we say them, our heart is in the right place...we want to remind the person of how much worse things could be or to remind them of all that they have to be thankful for in life. Unfortunately, it usually isn't what the person needs to hear in their struggle, and it adds a serving of guilt on top of the sadness, frustration, anger, etc. that the person is already feeling.
The other type of insensitivity usually comes when we can't see past our own grief or situation. Sometimes this comes in the form of lashing out and sometimes it comes in the form of "keeping up with the Joneses". What do I mean by that? I mean that I don't think our desire to have something that outdoes someone else applies only to the good things in life like houses and cars and jobs. Sometimes I think we want validation that our story is worse than someone else's. In these moments, we are quick to interrupt the person telling us their story to tell them our own and to make it clear that they aren't going to get any sympathy from us. You struggled to conceive for 6 months? I tried for 5 years. You suffered a miscarriage? I lost a 35 year old daughter. You don't like your job? I'm unemployed. Your apartment is too small? Try being homeless.
Maybe that sounds cynical, but I think this "keeping up with the Joneses" mentality exists in grief because I've had it. In fact, I've had it as recently as yesterday morning. I got online to find a post from a Facebook friend about how difficult their life has been recently, and my gut reaction was "seriously?!" My mind immediately started listing all the things they had that I didn't...specifically, two beautiful and healthy children. I wanted to respond with a comment that let them know just how difficult my life has been since losing you...to let them know that in the competition of whose life sucks worse right now, I win. But when I clicked in the comment box and started to type, it hit me that life isn't a competition. I was about to be one of those people who in someone else's moment of need couldn't see past my own hurt to realize that someone else might be hurting too. I was about to be one of those people that I had just complained to Gramy about the other day. So I deleted what I was about to say and posted some words of encouragement instead.
It taught me a lesson that I should have learned a long time ago. I need to ask myself before responding to someone, "Are my words going to build this person up or are they going to tear this person down?" If it is the latter, then even if my intentions are good, my words are not coming from the Holy Spirit. My words will not be helpful; they will be harmful. I would be better to say to the person (in the words of Margaret Feinberg), "You are loved and prayed for today." And if I can't say those words for some reason, I'd be better off to say nothing at all. Even in my hurt, I hope I can always remember what the scripture says:
"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."
Ephesians 4:29
"There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18
"Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent." Proverbs 17:28
"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body."
Proverbs 16:24
Love,Mommy
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