I've been struggling so much with anxiety these last few months. Carrying new life is exciting and is such a miracle, but it can also be terrifying when you've gone through a loss like ours. I've heard some loss mommas say that they felt less anxious after passing the milestone of their loss. For us, that milestone won't come until the very end, when we've delivered healthy babies and can bring them home.
Sometimes I feel guilty for all the fear and anxiety. I know that I should trust God's plan for us, whatever that is, and know that the fear I feel doesn't come from Him. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7; "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear." 1 John 4:18; "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6
Still, I struggle.
A few months ago, our Pastor gave a sermon on the importance of reading the scripture. He talked about how many Christians rely on scripture they've heard quoted and never go straight to the source. It made me realize how often my own knowledge of scripture comes straight from a morning devotional or similar source. I decided to begin reading the bible all the way through, starting with the New Testament. The New Testament, being shorter, seems less intimidating.
As I began to read the Gospels, it struck me how often Jesus's disciples were plagued with fear and anxiety. The Gospels are full of amazing stories of the miracles Jesus performed, yet in the middle of these stories are speckled just as many stories of the disciples struggles with fear, worry, and doubt:
- "They came to Jesus and woke Him up, saying, "Master, Master, we are perishing!" And He got up and rebuked the wind and the surging waves, and they stopped, and it became calm. And He said to them, 'Where is your faith?'"Luke 8:24-25
- "Peter said to Him, 'Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water." And He said, "Come!" And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came towards Jesus. But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, 'You of little faith, why did you doubt?'" Matthew 14:28-31
- "While he was still speaking, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and behold, a voice out of the cloud said, 'This is My beloved Son, with whom I am well-pleased; listen to Him!' When the disciples heard this, they fell face down to the ground and were terrified. And Jesus came to them and touched them and said, 'Get up, and do not be afraid.'" Matthew 17:5-7
- After the resurrection, which Jesus had told the disciples would happen over and over: "That evening the disciples were gathered in a room behind locked doors. Suddenly Jesus stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you.' They were afraid and thought they were seeing a ghost. He said to them, 'Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? See My hands and My feet, that it is I myself. Touch Me and see, because a spirit does not have flesh and bones like you see I have.'" Luke 24:37-39
There was one story (or stories if you will) that particularly struck me though - the stories of Jesus feeding the multitudes. It begins with story of Jesus feeding 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish, captured in all four of the Gospels:
"As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, 'This is a remote place, and it's already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and by themselves some food.' Jesus replied, 'They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.' 'We only have five loaves of bread and two fish,' they answered. 'Bring them here to me,' He said. And he directed people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and two fish and looking up to Heaven, He gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then He gave them to the disciples and the disciples gave them to the people. They all ate until they were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children." Matthew 14:13-21
Just a few pages later, both Matthew and Mark capture the story of Jesus feeding 4,000 people:
"Jesus called His disciples to Him and said, 'I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have had nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, or they may collapse on the way.' His disciples answered, 'Where could we get enough bread in this remote place to feed such a crowd?' 'How many loaves do you have?' Jesus asked. 'Seven,' they replied, 'and a few small fish.' Matthew 15: 32-34I read that second passage one morning, and I thought to myself, "Seriously?! What is wrong with you disciples? Didn't you just see Jesus perform this exact same miracle? Why not just say to Him, 'Lord, we found some bread so that you can feed this crowd?'
And then it dawned on me - how many times have I done the same thing? How many times have I worried over something that I've seen God take care of in the past? How many times have I doubted that he would come through this time? Like the disciples, I have seen miracle after miracle and still doubt at times that the Lord can handle this next problem or worry in my life. I still forget to stop fretting and start praying.
I've been particularly struggling with anxiety these last few days. This morning is our big ultrasound - the anatomy scan. It is the first scan where the doctors will be checking the twins development in depth to see if there are any signs of abnormalities, deformities or other problems. If the babies cooperate, we should also get to find out if you are getting little brothers, little sisters, or one of each. My excitement to see your siblings again and find out what they are is completely lost in the anxiety that something will be wrong.
It is all so scary to me, but I keep reminding myself that God is faithful. In my darkest hours, He has been there, and I know that no matter what happens, He will still be there. As I've continued to read through the New Testament, I've realized what strong faith many of the disciples developed. Some mornings, as I read their words and think back to the earlier stories I've read, I get the sense that some of them were completely different people after Jesus's resurrection. I guess that shouldn't be surprising, because accepting Jesus's sacrifice makes us completely different people. Not perfect people, and not people without fear, anxiety or doubt, but different people...people who have hope.
Love,
Mommy
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