A Person's a Person, No Matter How Small

Sweet Angel,

I woke up early this morning. I laid in bed for a little while, but I couldn't get back to sleep. I got up, made a cup of coffee, and got online.

A year ago, we were busy preparing for your arrival. Last week, I was greeted by Facebook with memories that included photos from the baby shower thrown for us by your daddy's side of the family. This morning, I was greeted with photos from the baby shower Aunt Becca, Grami  and some friends threw us one year ago today. You can't imagine how grateful I am to have had the opportunity to celebrate your life with our friends and family before you were so tragically ripped away.

As hard as it is sometimes to remember how happy we were on those days and to recall all the dreams we had for you as we opened gifts and excitedly talked about names and nurseries, I can't imagine how sad I would be if we hadn't been able to share those moments with our friends and family. A few years ago, a friend of mine miscarried before she was able to share the news of her pregnancy with her close friends. I'll never forget the email she sent to me and a few others afterwards to share the sad news and to let us know that next time she would be sharing the good news immediately. I don't know if I really understood her desire then, but I understand it so well now. Life, no matter how brief, deserves to be recognized and celebrated.

One of the photos that showed up in my Facebook memories today was of one of the decorated tables from my book-themed baby shower.  I cried when I saw it:

This table seems to almost be foreshadowing events to come - an elephant in the center of the table sits next to the quote, "A person's a person, no matter how small."  Just a little over three weeks from my shower, you were born still at 36 weeks gestation. You were a perfectly-formed person, with the tiniest nose, mouth, fingers and toes. A small stuffed elephant, the last baby gift we received before you were born, became our symbol for you in the coming weeks.  

The quote comes from the book "Horton Hears a Who."  In the book, Horton the Elephant hears a small speck of dust talking to him while splashing in a pool. He surmises that a small person lives on the speck, so he places it on a clover and vows to protect it. He later discovers that a whole community called Whoville lives on the speck. The Mayor of Whoville asks Horton to protect them from harm, and Horton happily takes on the duty, proclaiming throughout the book, "A person's a person, no matter how small."

In his mission to protect the speck, Horton is ridiculed by the other animals in the jungle for believing in and trying to protect something that they can't see or hear.  As he continues his efforts to protect the speck, others ridicule his odd behaviors, and they even steal the speck from him at one point in the story. When Horton finds it, he implores the Whos living on the speck to make as much noise as possible. Finally, one tiny shirker named JoJo lets out a loud, "Yopp!" which allows the other jungle animals to hear the Whos. Convinced of the Whos' existence, the jungle animals vow to help Horton protect Whoville.

There is a quote about grieving mothers that says, "A mother instinctively protects her child. A grieving mother instinctively protects her child's memory."  I know that in trying to protect your memory, my actions might seem odd to some people. There are those who probably don't understand why I take photos with a stuffed animal, why I write letters to a child that isn't here, and why I would want to celebrate your still birthday with a party. I used to be someone who cared about what those people thought, and the truth is, sometimes I still am.  But like many bereaved mothers, I know firsthand that "a person's a person, no matter how small," and so I will honor and remember you in whatever way makes me feel like your mother. I am blessed to have a whole community of family and friends who understand me, support me, and do what they can to help me protect your memory.

We've been collecting items to fill Journey Bags for children in foster care in honor of your upcoming still birthday. Daddy and I have been overwhelmed by the amazing support of this project, which we've named Operation Over the Rainbow.  You may have been born small and still, but you have had a big and moving impact on us.

Love,

Mommy