Thanksgiving

Hi Pumpkin,

Yesterday was Thanksgiving.  Daddy's sisters and their families were in town, and we spent the day with them.  It was unseasonably warm yesterday, so we even got to enjoy some playtime outside. It was a far cry from last Thanksgiving:

One of my favorite pregnancy photos, taken the day before Thanksgiving last year.

Not long before we ate dinner, Riley asked me if I would read her a book. Your grandmother was a teacher for years, so there a ton of books to choose from at her house.  Riley went off to make her selections, and when one of the books she came back with was shaped like an elephant, I knew it was a sign that you were with us.

Riley and Aunt Keri reading the elephant book before Thanksgiving dinner.

Later, after dinner, dessert, and some playtime, the adults sat around recovering from a big meal and all of the activity while the kids were still going strong. Riley came to me and asked me if I'd read to her again. She curled up in my lap with a book, and it must have triggered a memory for her of last year's Thanksgiving. 

Last year at Thanksgiving, you were still safely snuggled inside me. Riley had developed a game that day - she would come climb up on my lap and tell me a "secret" about the baby (you).  The secret would always be something sweet like, "I'm going to love the baby" or "I'm going to kiss the baby" or "I'm going to play with the baby".  

Last night as we were halfway through our story, Riley suddenly turned around.  "Do you have a baby in your tummy?" she asked.  "No, I don't," I told her.  With the sweetest and most innocent eyes, she asked, "What happened to the baby in your tummy?"  My own eyes welled with tears. Daddy, always Mommy's hero, jumped in and softly told her, "We had an angel baby."  "Oh," Riley said.

Oh.

And with that, she was off to something else. There are so many days that I wish had the resilience of a three year-old.

The other night, Daddy and I were cuddled in bed talking. I can't even remember the topic, but it of course turned to you somehow. Daddy said, "I don't think people can understand. For us, it always come backs to this. It sucks."  What he meant is that no matter our topic of conversation - friends' pregnancies and new babies, holidays, happy occasions, traditions, just plain ole' everyday, regular moments....all those topics lead back to you and the fact that you are gone. And while we wouldn't change the fact that you were here, however briefly the time was, the fact that you are gone is hard and it hurts. As Daddy so eloquently put it - it sucks.

And yet, we have so much to be thankful for in this life...amazing family, wonderful friends, the best furry companions in Izzy and Abby, a beautiful home, and jobs we both love.   What happened to you may be a curse, but you are still our biggest blessing.  Happy Thanksgiving my sweet angel.

Love,

Mommy