Yesterday was Aunt Judy's birthday. Mamaw called me early to let me know she had decided to host a family dinner to celebrate. Luckily, Daddy and I didn't have plans, so I told her that we would be delighted to help Judy celebrate.
Aunt Judy is a kind and compassionate woman who always puts the needs of others above her own. She is a loyal and fierce friend. She has been an amazing support to Daddy and I in the last few months, and her gifts have been among the most touching that we've received.
On Mother's Day, she gave me a rose and a card with the words that you weren't able to say, "....my wish for you on this Mother's Day is to be happy and make the most of everyday, for I will always be with you. Love, Morris". She did the same for Daddy on Father's Day, with a gift of golf gear and a card that read, "...the next time you play golf, hit a ball to me. Love you, Morris". I cannot even begin to tell you what these cards meant to us - it was a gesture that many would have been afraid to make, but Aunt Judy knew that it was just what we needed to feel complete on those days. At the dedication of Morris Park, Aunt Judy gave us a sweet gray elephant with your name and date of birth that she had worked on for weeks to get just the way she wanted. He sits in the center of your crib.
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| The sweet elephant that your Aunt Judy gave me. |
At Aunt Judy's birthday party, I got to meet your cousin Penelope for the first time. In fact, all 6 of your cousins were together for the very first time. Judy wanted to take a picture with all of them, and I'll admit, my heart was sad that you would be missing. I gathered my courage a few minutes later and joined everyone as they were taking photos in the living room. My eyes teared up when I realized that Aunt Judy had found a way to include you - she had gotten the picture of you from her room and asked your cousins Abigail and Ava to hold it. It was absolutely beautiful to me and meant more than she will ever know.
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| Aunt Judy with all her great nieces and nephews. <3 |
A little later, another beautiful thing happened. You might remember from my early letters that just a week after your still birth, your great papaw had a stroke and was in the hospital for a week. He hasn't quite been the same since, but he has his good days. Yesterday was a good day, and he was more talkative than he has been the last few times I've seen him. Towards the end of the night, I was standing in the kitchen with him. Your cousins and their mother had just left, and papaw was worried that they were driving home in the dark. As I tried to reassure him, he put his arm around me, leaned in close and said, "If your baby was here, I would worry about him too. That baby is very special to me." His words took me by surprise because I hadn't been certain that he really remembered you. It meant so much to hear how much he loves you. I've come to learn that many of his generation were taught not to talk about these things after they happened and that it was best for everyone to just "move on". Knowing that makes his words and recognition of your life even more special to me.
I read an article not long ago that was written by a mother who lost her daughter to stillbirth. In it, she said something that really hit home for me:
"I have missed her in the most everyday, common moments, when there suddenly she was - Luna, forever absent, missing. Yet, somehow, so fully present.
My now 5-year-old explained to me the other day, in his gorgeous lispy Spanish, full of invented verb tenses, how if Luna hadn't died, he wouldn't have to think about her so much.
Ah, yes, my sweet son, the work of grief, of remembrance and love. It is hard and it sucks."I hadn't thought about grief and remembrance being "work" before reading that article, but I've come to realize that it is. Most new moms have the "work" of changing diapers, doing laundry, getting up for nightly feedings, and playing with their baby. My work as a mom is to remember you. It is a job that I take on willingly and without question, because really, I can't fathom any other way.
November is the month that we take time to recognize and appreciate all the blessings in our lives. This Thanksgiving, I am so grateful to have a family who understands and shares in the work of keeping your memory alive.
Love,
Mommy
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