Remembering You

Hi Baby Boy,

It's been two and a half weeks since my last letter.  It's the longest I've gone without writing you, but of course I have thought about you constantly. Last night, we held trick-or-treating in Morris Park. It was awesome. Kids played on the playground, adults gathered around the fire and we handed out lots of candy and goodies to the trick-or-treaters. I dressed up as a Zookeeper, with you and my Godson Jackson as my herd.

Mommy being a Zookeeper for my Morris elephant and Godson Jackson.

October was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and October 15th was the official remembrance and awareness day.  But for me personally, this month, particularly the week of the 15th, carried even greater significance. On February 3rd of this year, at 36 weeks gestation, you were born still.  The week of October 15th marked 36 weeks since your death. You've now been gone longer than you were here. The realization made me feel angry for a little while, which is I think why I've haven't written until now. I don't like to write you from a place of anger or bitterness.

Anyone who has ever been personally impacted by a particular cause with its own awareness month or day (pregnancy and infant loss, cancer, autism, suicide, diabetes, AIDS  - the list goes on and on) will tell you that for them, every day is awareness day. Still, it is important that we recognize these causes as it helps increase knowledge, support and resources for the cause. It also helps connect people to one another so that they know that they are not alone in the challenges and struggles they face.

I have been touched by how many people have remembered you in some way this month. When I went into work on October 15th, I found my desk covered in elephants. My best friend Stephanie had left me a new laptop bag and a new coffee mug with elephants on them, and  there were four tiny silver elephants holding pictures of my Godson Jackson and my recent Stearman flight experience. I was overwhelmed by the the gesture, and I appreciated it more than she could know.  Not long after that, I got a message that said I had been tagged in a photo - my sweet friends and their children had released balloons in your memory (that started the tears!). Later that morning, my friend Kaitlin texted me a picture of a small storage truck she had bought me with elephants all over it.  She said she saw it and knew it would be the perfect thing to hold some of your treasures. That evening, Aunt Becca gave me a beautiful elephant necklace in your memory. Two tiny charms that dangle from it - an amethyst and "M".  I love it, and I've worn it often in the last few weeks. I've received several other gifts in your memory this month from a variety of coworkers and friends - a scarf, a Christmas ornament, a bottle of beer (it has elephants on it!) and two little elephant statues. Your Great Aunt Nancy gave me a purple and gold hippo that she was knitting you before you passed away. She recently finished it so I could have it. A few nights ago, your Aunt Becca, Uncle Dustin, and cousins Ava and Abigail surprised me with a pumpkin carved with an elephant on it.  Finally, just last night, I was given a starter for a bleeding heart plant from a dear, sweet woman who knows the pain of losing a child to stillbirth.

My desk decorated with elephants on Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Many of the sweet gifts I received in your memory this month.

The precious pumpkin carved with an elephant by Aunt Becca in your memory.

The night of October 15th, Daddy and I attended the Annual Sadie Rose "Remembering Our Babies" walk. Your Grami, Aunt Becca, Uncle Dustin, Ava, Abigail and friends Joe, Michele and Dylan came too. Every year on this date, candles are lit around the world at 7 PM. This creates a "wave of light" to honor babies who have died.  Before the walk began, we lit our luminary bags and I shared "The Brown Star" story with the attendees. My cousin Bob, who lost his son Robert several years ago, shared this story with me on my birthday earlier this year (a week after your still birth). He said the story had brought him comfort, and I found it comforting too because you will always be part of my life, and you will always part of my hopes and dreams.

Aunt Becca, Uncle Dustin, Izzy, Daddy, Grami, Ava, Mommy, Joe, Abigail, Dylan, and Michele sitting will all of the Morris remembrance luminaries (and the luminaries for your friends Analise and Adelin) at the Sadie Rose Foundation's Annual Remembering Our Babies Walk.

Mommy & Daddy with all our Morris luminaries.

The most incredible gift that I've ever received was given to me this month by a friend in the form of a letter to you. This letter has helped rid my heart of the anger that I was feeling. I've read it several times in the last two weeks, and I know that I will pull it out to re-read hundreds of more times in my life. I've told you about the prayer book that I read during my pregnancy - the one that contained a prayer for every day. It was that prayer book that changed the morning of your still birth and made it a day that we were able celebrate and rejoice in the miracle of you. That book also contained prayers about the type of person you would grow be - a person of faith and love, someone who would open the door for Christ in other's lives. In my friend's letter, it is clear that prayer has been answered. My friend says this:

"I watched a movie shortly after your passing, and it talked about the light going out in a way that I didn't understand till you.  The quote was this:

'Sometimes the devil allows people to live a life free of trouble because he doesn't want them turning to God. Their sin is like a jail cell, except it is all nice and comfy and there doesn't seem to be any reason to leave. The door's wide open. Till one day, time runs out, and the cell door slams shut, and suddenly it's too late.'

My jail cell was nice and comfy. There was no reason to leave. Then there was you."

My friend says that they had always been a person of proof rather than faith, but that you changed that for them. My friend credits you for helping them find the keys to their jail cell. The letter ends in this way:

"One day, I will go to Heaven, and I will request your presence...because you made me the person that I am today and a follower of God. I will forever and always be indebted to you for that."

People sometimes say "God must have needed another angel" as a way of explaining someone's death.  I don't really believe that. I don't think God needs us in order to accomplish His works. But it is an honor when He allows us or someone we love to be a part of a great work that He is doing. I'm proud that because of you, my friend will greet us both in Heaven one day. I know that you will be as overjoyed as I will be when the three of us are reunited forever.

Love,

Mommy