It's Christmas Eve, which means in 24 hours, your brother and sister will experience their 2nd Christmas. They don't understand Christmas anymore than they did last year, but they do understand toys and playing with family members, so I have no doubt that this year's Christmas will be even better than last year's. It's such a bittersweet time of year though for me. As much fun as we'll have spending the day with family, you will always be missing. It's the babies' 2nd Christmas, but this year also marks our 3rd Christmas without you.
There's are special gifts under the tree for Baylor & Griffin from you. They are these sweet Precious Moment's figurines. One is an angel pushing a tiny baby girl in a pink baby stroller. The other is an angel helping a baby boy take his first steps. I found them on sale yesterday in a local shop. I had stopped there on a whim because I had some time to kill before meeting someone and thought of a last minute gift I could look for there. I had chosen and paid for the gift when I noticed these on my way out the exit. I only stopped to take a look because Aunt Becca used to be a collector. The tears stung my eyes as soon as I saw them. There was only one of each, and I know they were put there just for me. I hope that these gifts mean as much to the twins one day as they mean to me.
Last night after I got home, we fed the babies dinner and gave them a bath. I got Baylor out of the bathtub to get ready for bed while your Daddy finished bathing Griffin. I sat her down on the changing table and was putting on her PJ's when she pointed to the shadow box that hangs above the changing table. It's filled with the hat & bib that matched the outfit you wore after birth, as well as your footprints, a picture of your tiny hand, and your hospital bracelet. I asked her, "Oh, are you looking at brother's things?" She immediately started looking around the room frantically, and it dawned on me that she was looking for Griffin because he's the only brother she knows. Tears fell for a second time in just a few hours.
One day, she'll know about you even though she won't know you until this lifetime is over. Grief is hard and it's a journey that never ends. This morning, as I began typing you this letter, I realized that I forgot to do our annual Toys for Tots donation in your memory. The deadline has way passed, and it's Christmas Eve, so I don't know if I'll be able to do something in it's place. The tears are falling once again, as I feel like I've forgotten you at Christmas even though you've been on my mind so much. A wise friend just reminded me that healing sometimes involves forgetting. I know she's right, but it's still hard. I don't want to forget, but I also don't want to stop living. There is no perfect balance...no guide to follow. We just do the best we can.
Whether I am able to buy toys in your memory or not, you'll be in my heart this Christmas. I love you and I miss you, baby boy. Merry Christmas!
Love,
Mommy
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