I went outside to stare up at the stars tonight, but it is cloudy out. Earlier this week, there were nights when the sky was so clear, I was almost convinced that if I reached up I would be able to touch the stars. Nights like those make me feel like heaven might be closer than it seems to be most of the time...like you could be just on the other side of those stars. It reminds me of a quote I heard that says, "Perhaps they are not stars in the sky but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones shines down to let us know they are happy."
I've been thinking a lot lately about what to do with your nursery. I remember that right after you died, I couldn't bear the thought of packing away anything in your room. A friend gave me the good advice not to do anything right away but to wait until the day came when I knew it was time. I used to go in your nursery and sit all the time, but a few weeks ago, I realized that I haven't been in there to sit in a while. Izzy follows me around everywhere, and I don't want her to track dirt into the room, so I guess over time I've just stopped going in there. As hard as it is to think about, I know that one day we will wake up and decide to pack away your things.
Daddy and I have been thinking that we might re-purpose your room into a spare bedroom. We'd leave the paint color, curtains and rug, some of the wall hangings, and most of your keepsakes. That makes me feel a tiny bit better about the change, but still I tear up at the thought of taking down the crib and the changing table that your Daddy put so much love into for you. We'll store those and many other items in the hopes that one day, when the time is right, you'll pass them on to a little brother or sister.
I invited a few family members to come spend some time in the nursery on their own if they wanted. I know that it is a room that holds meaning for more than just Daddy and me, and I didn't want anyone to be taken by surprise if they came to our house one day and we had changed it. Grami said she wanted to come sit for a while and say some prayers. She came on Saturday while we were away. Just a little while ago, I went into your nursery to put something away, and I found a poem she had left in your crib. I hope she doesn't mind if I share it with you; her words are too beautiful of a gift not to share:
"My Sweet Morris
Those moments that I held you,
Will never be enough.
I looked at you with loving eyes,
My heart was breaking so very much.
We were not meant to share this life.
You were made for so much more.
For God so loved you Morris,
That he saved you for a SPECIAL chore.
I will see your sweet face again someday
And wonder at your fame,
Knowing God used you to touch thousands
Just from the mention of your name.
Until then my dear, sweet Morris
I will hold you in my heart
And love you through eternity,
Where at last we will not part.
Love Grami"
No matter what we do with your nursery or when we do it, I think a part of me will always feel like I'm waiting on you to come home. But as Grami's poem points out, I guess technically you are the one waiting on me.
Love,
Mommy
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