Filled

Good Morning Baby,

Exactly two weeks before you passed away, Daddy and I had maternity photos taken in downtown Staunton. I scheduled them to be taken at 34 weeks, which I was worried at the time might be too early, but I figured it was better to be safe than sorry. Now, those photos are just one more example of God's perfect timing and presence in my pregnancy, your death and birth, and the months that have followed.

Daddy and I wanted to be surprised at your birth in finding out if you were a boy or a girl. To capture the suspense during our photo shoot, I made little chalkboards that read "Oh Boy..." and "Or Girl!" Towards the end of our session, we were walking down a side street, and we came across a wall of wooden railroad ties. Someone (probably a child) had drawn  hearts of different sizes on the wall in chalk. My heart was struck by this random display of innocence, love, and hope. I knew it was the perfect spot to capture our memory. It is one of my favorite photos from that day.

This past Thursday, I had to run some errands downtown. My mind was fairly focused on the tasks at hand as I rushed to get my errands completed during my lunch break. But then I found myself in front of that railroad tie wall, and my heart sank. Not surprisingly, the rain (or maybe a business owner) had washed away all those little hearts sometime in the past six months. The wall was empty...and in that moment, my heart couldn't have felt any emptier itself. Memories of the excitement, energy and happiness that had surrounded us as we marked our pregnancy and your life that afternoon came rushing back to me, and my eyes filled with tears. Despite the usually busy lunch hour, not a soul was around. I stood in front of that wall for a few minutes and let the tears fall.

I pulled myself together and hurried off to finish my errands, feeling even more aware of the void that has plagued me since you died. As I was on my last errand, I noticed a couple that attends my church having lunch. They spotted me too, and they immediately came over to greet me. They gave me a hug, asked how I was doing, and told me how much reading my letters to you has meant to them. I instantly felt better, and the course of my afternoon was changed by our quick encounter. Once again, God's perfect timing prevailed.

I've thought so much about Thursday's events, and I realize that I'm not the only one who has found themselves in front of an empty wall or who has felt the deep void of something or someone missing in my life. It also occurs to me that feeling empty isn't unique to people who have experienced a profound loss. There are people in this world who are holding their babies and loved ones tightly right now, people who are blessed with good health and fortune, people who have every thing this world can possibly offer them...and yet, they feel empty.  Peter, Jesus' disciple, knew that there was only one answer to filling this void:

"For this reason I kneel before the father, from whom every family in heaven and earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches, he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be FILLED with all the FULLNESS OF GOD." Ephesians 3:14-19

Because I have accepted Christ into my heart, I will never really be empty. I am thankful that when I forget this truth, as I sometimes do, God reminds me through a hug from a friend, a favorite or meaningful bible verse that "shows" up in my daily routine, a song, an experience...the list goes on and on. I know that the next time I see that downtown wall, a smile will replace my tears. Instead of being a reminder of the emptiness in my life, it will be a reminder of the fullness.

Love,

Mommy