If we are being honest, most of us will admit that we have been jealous or envious of someone at sometime in our lives. The phenomenon of social media ensures that other people's success and happiness is always in our face. The new car. The new house. The promotion at work. The weight loss and dedication to the gym. The perfect marriage. Sometimes it feels like we are in a virtual competition to see who has the best life, and the winner is whoever garnishes the most "likes" on their Facebook wall. Again, if we are being honest, I bet most people will sheepishly admit to liking a post while at the same time thinking to themselves, "How did they afford that new car? I guess I'm just more financially responsible!" (Some people go further than just thinking this...just look at the comments that follow these types posts for proof!)
A pastor I knew once gave a sermon on jealousy and envy. It was years ago, and I don't remember exactly how it went, but the premise was something along these lines: Most of us view life as a pie. If someone else gets a piece of the pie, we do a mental calculation and instantly figure that there is less pie for us. What we forget is that God's pie is infinite. Rather than begrudge someone their piece of pie, we should celebrate it with them.
I know that it is common to feel envious when someone else has something that we want, but I've realized in the last several months that envy grips our hearts the tightest when someone else has something we've lost. It isn't that we aren't happy for them or that we would ever wish our loss on them, it's just that for a brief moment, we wish we were them. Our hearts feel squeezed as we are reminded of what has been taken from us. For me, the squeeze comes when I see a happy couple expecting a child because I know that Daddy and I will struggle with fear and uncertainty if we are ever blessed with another pregnancy. It comes when I see a baby about your age because I am reminded that I'll never know certain things about you like your sleep patterns, your favorite food, or your most treasured toy. It comes when I see a newsfeed full of first-day-of-school or other milestone pictures because I'm struck by one more thing that I've been robbed of experiencing with you.
l almost didn't share this because I worry that people may misinterpret what I'm saying. I worry that they might take the above to mean that I don't want to see posts about babies or children, that I am unhappy for people who have children or who are expecting children, or that I am in general a bad person...none of which is true. I would NEVER, EVER, EVER wish the loss of a child on anyone. As I've told people before, I don't wonder "Why me?", but instead I wonder, "Why anyone?" Spending time with children make Daddy and I happy, and I really mean that. We are determined not to let your death stand in the way of us experiencing the blessings in our lives that come in the form of our nephews, nieces, godson, and the children (both current and future!) of our friends and family.
I'm sharing this only because I know if God put it on my heart that I can't be alone in the struggle. I see other Angel moms struggle with this issue on the online forums I participate in, and I doubt that the struggle is unique to those who have lost a child. I share because I have found something that at least for me stops the envy in its tracks and changes my perspective. I hope that by sharing what has worked for me, others may try it and find that it helps them too:
In those moments when I feel that twinge of jealousy and in those times when longing tightens around my heart, I pray. I'm not really sure when I started doing this, or even what lead me to start, but once I did, I found that praying made me feel better.
For that happy couple and their growing bump, I pray for a strong marriage and for the safe birth of their little one. For the baby who is the same age that you would have been, I thank God for his/her life and pray for a happy and healthy future. For all those back-to-school students, I pray for their learning and success, and I say a special prayer for the teachers and parents who will guide them through another school year.
I've found, quite by accident, that what they say about prayer is true - it may not change your situation, but it changes you.
Love,
Mommy
P.S. - I wrote this post yesterday, and as I said, I really wasn't sure that I was going share it. Then, as I was scrolling through Facebook, this quote popped up in my newsfeed, and I took it as a sign:
"Once a man was asked, 'what did you gain by regularly praying to God?' The man replied, 'Nothing...but let me tell you what I lost: anger, ego, greed, depression, insecurity, and fear of death.' Sometimes, the answer to our prayers is not gaining but losing...which is ultimately the gain.
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