I've found myself thinking about you a lot lately. February holds your life and death in it's hands. One day you were alive and kicking inside me; the next day you weren't. I'm so busy these days, but even the endless tasks I find myself faced with don't keep me from missing you. It is hard to believe that it has been two years since we learned that you wouldn't come home with us. Two years since I laid eyes on you and since I held you in my arms. Two years full of heartache, devastation and despair, and yet somehow joy too.
The other night, I held your little brother in my arms for a little while after he'd fallen asleep. Daddy came back into the room after laying Baylor down and commented to me, "You just want to hold him for a little while, huh? That's okay; hold him as long as you want." I wonder sometimes what I'd do without this amazing man on my journey. We've been through a lot together in the last few years - infertility, losing you, and then spontaneously getting pregnant with twins. All of these things have stressed us and at times strained us, but they have also made us stronger. Your Daddy gets me in ways that no one else does. He is an awesome man, husband and father.
Your brother and sister are really showing their personalities these days. They turn 6 months old next week, and it is so much fun to watch them grow. I often wonder in what ways they might be like you. Would you have had endless smiles like your sister does? Would Griffin's serious and curious nature be déjà vu if we had gotten to know you first? I also think about what it would be like if you were here. Would you be the proud big brother who wants to help with everything? Would you be just a tiny bit jealous of sharing Mommy's time? I'm sure the answer is some of both. It makes me sad that Baylor and Griffin missed out on experiencing their big brother's love firsthand.
I talk about you to them sometimes. Not in a grown up way that they wouldn't understand, but by naturally mentioning you here and there, like when they are wearing elephants or when we are singing a song I sang to you in the womb. I know that there are people who won't understand this and who might think it best for me to leave you out of the story I tell them. But that's never been possible for me, and I think it's important that your brother and sister know that I am the mother I am because of you. I don't know how knowing about you will shape their lives, but I hope that by sharing you with them, they will grow up learning to be compassionate, empathetic and understanding to other's stories. I hope they grow up knowing how strong my love is for each of them in part because they see how strong it is for you.
Daddy and I celebrated your birthday again this year, just like we promised. We went shopping for Journey Bags to donate to Operation Over the Rainbow, then we came home to spend time with your brother and sister and enjoy cupcakes in your memory. We lit two candles on top of a cupcake, and Daddy asked me if I was going to make a wish before I blew them out. I couldn't think of anything to wish for myself, so as I closed my eyes and blew out the candles, I wished for you to know just how much you are loved and will be missed until the day we are all reunited. Happy 2nd Birthday Morris!
Love,
Mommy
We received several sweet drawings this month for you, and I thought I'd share:
These beautiful elephant drawings were gifted to us by a talented artist!
Your cousins Charlotte and Penelope colored these sweet pics for you on your birthday.
This drawing came from Jolie, the daughter of a new online friend that is also an angel mommy.
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