Amazing Grace

My Sweet Son,

I spent the eight month anniversary of your still birthday at an Extraordinary Women's Conference with Grami and Aunt Becca. The theme of the conference was God's amazing grace, and the inspiration verse was Ephesians 2:8, "For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God."  It might have been raining and dreary outside all weekend, but the Son was definitely shining inside the colosseum. I was surrounded by thousands of women lifting their hands and their hearts up in praise to God. It was a beautiful weekend, and I came home full of joy and peace. 

To kick off the conference on Friday night, we were entertained by comedian Tim Hawkins and got in some much needed laughter. There is a quote by author Veronica Roth in one of her books that says, "Sometimes crying or laughing are the only options left, and laughing feels better right now." I think I've cried a lifetime of tears this year. It seems odd that it is still possible for me to still laugh, but I am grateful that it is. 

After Tim Hawkins' set, Aunt Becca and I slipped down to the merchant area. I was able to meet one of the Saturday morning speakers that I was most looking forward to hearing speak. Angie Smith is the wife of an artist from the Christian music group Selah (Todd Smith) and the mother of 5 girls. In 2008, Angie was pregnant with her 4th daughter, Audrey, when she and her husband were told that Audrey had a condition that she would not survive. They made the decision to carry her through the pregnancy, and God granted them two and a half hours with their daughter after her birth. Angie began a blog, Bring the Rain, not long after Audrey's diagnosis, and she has written several books and Bible Studies in the years since Audrey's passing. I bought her book, "I Will Carry You" at the conference, and while she was signing my copy, I told her about you. Her eyes brimmed with tears as she told me how sorry she was for my loss. She asked me your name, and she signed my book with the note, "In honor of your sweet Morris."  I was touched by our encounter, and I am looking forward to reading her book, although I know I will cry most of the way through it. 

We ended Friday night with a concert by MercyMe. They are one of my favorite bands, and so many of their songs have touched me in these last 8 months ("I Can Only Imagine", "Homesick", "The Hurt and the Healer", "Finally Home", "Bring the Rain"). I thought I might cry through the whole concert, but I teared up only when the group sang "I Can Only Imagine". Otherwise, they sang mostly uplifting songs, and I was able to enjoy the music and sing along.

On Saturday, we heard messages from Max Lucado, Angie Smith, Kasey Van Norman, and Margaret Feinberg.  Margaret's message was about finding joy in the midst of pain and sorrow, so it was particularly meaningful to me. I recently finished reading her book, Fight Back with Joy, and it has reminded me to put things in perspective and to look for God's grace in everything. All of the messages on Saturday were beautiful and touching, but Angie's message spoke to my heart the most. 

I wish that I could remember everything she said, but I'll share with you a few highlights and things that stuck out to me. Angie spoke about how she came to know Christ and about her life as a mom to her sweet girls. She ended her session talking about Audrey. As she began sharing Audrey's story, she asked every woman who had experienced the death of a child, no matter the circumstances, to stand. There were so many women, too many women, who stood along beside me.  It broke my heart, and I could tell that it impacted Angie too. There were tears in her eyes and in her voice when she told us how very sorry she was that we were all on this journey. I stood in line later at her booth just to tell her how much her testimony meant to me. Regretfully, I forgot to tell her the one thing I really wanted to say, which was that I was sorry for her loss. I think sometimes when you are such a strong supporter of others, people can forget that you need support too.

There were a few things Angie said that I will never forget. The first was how much she missed Audrey. It is such  a simple and obvious statement, but when she said it, I could relate. I didn't get the opportunity to learn much about you, and I'll never know who you would have become. But I miss you so much it hurts.  I don't just miss you, I miss knowing things about you. Even the small things like whether you would have been a light or heavy sleeper,  if you would have loved or hated car rides, if you would have had a favorite lullaby. My arms ache to hold you again and my eyes hurt knowing that they won't see your sweet face again while I'm still on this earth. 

Angie also shared about her struggle with prayer, specifically her difficulty praying for miracles after God didn't answer her prayers with one for Audrey. I understand completely. My entire pregnancy, I started each day with a prayer from a special prayer book. Many of the prayers were for your health and safe delivery. I had just started reading "The Circle Maker", a book about the power of prayer, not long before I learned you were gone. In fact, I was reading it in the lobby before my appointment the morning my world was turned upside down. The night before we delivered you, I went into your nursery at 3 AM and prayed the most desperate prayer that you would be born alive. After we lost you, it took a while before I was able to pray again. I never did finish the book. 

One thing that Angie said will forever stay with me, because when she said it, I realized I wasn't alone. She said that she often thinks that when she gets to Heaven and sees God face-to-face, she will just say, "Where is she?" I have thought that same thing so many times. I have struggled with guilt because when I think about Heaven these days, it is not God that I think about meeting first. God is my Creator, my Rock, my Savior, and like the song says, I can only imagine what it will be like when I meet Him. But my heart longs so much for the moment when I will see and hold you again, for that moment when I will know without a doubt that we will never again be apart. I pray that God can understand.

Love,

Mommy

Meeting Angie Smith on Friday evening

Grami, Aunt Becca, and Me on Saturday morning